Daily [pre-Script-tion]

THE MEETING

2010-10-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

INT. BOARDROOM - DAY

Just over a dozen EXECUTIVES sit in plush chairs around a gigantic table. They take notes and listen to a presentation at the front by the BOSS.

The glass doors at the front open and two CATERERS enter with trays of food. They begin setting up.

All of the executives become distracted and start watching them.

BOSS

Excuse me?

CATERER ONE

Yes sir?

BOSS

What are you doing?

CATERER ONE

Setting up for the meeting.

BOSS

This meeting doesn't have any food.

EXECUTIVE ONE

Although it wouldn't hurt.

Chuckles from a few.

BOSS

This is a closed meeting and we didn't order food. Seriously, get out.

CATERER TWO

We were told to...

BOSS

I don't care, get out!

The caterers take the food and leave quickly.

EXECUTIVE ONE

That was fast food.

Chuckles from a few.

BOSS

You're fired.

EXECUTIVE ONE

What?

BOSS

Get out, you're fired.

Executive One looks around confused. No one looks him in the eye.

He picks up his things and leaves in a huff.

BOSS

No one eats until I say so.

FADE OUT:

DOGS

2010-10-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

INT. DOG PARK - DAY

NOKI, an elderly Japanese woman pleasantly walks her pit bull SAKE (sok-ee) along the grass.

On the other end of the field sits JAMES with his two dogs, a black lab BOBO and a rottweiler JONES.

Bobo spots Sake and makes a break for it.

James looks up but doesn't really bother. His buddy MEG approaches with a bag of fast food.

MEG

Shouldn't you go get Bobo?

James looks up and sees Bobo chasing a squirrel.

JAMES

He's fine.

Meg hands James the bag of food. As he pulls out a burger, Jones approaches and slobbers all over it.

JAMES

Ah, yuck! Jones! Stupid dog.

MEG

He's not stupid.

JAMES

No, he totally is. Watch this.

James grabs a piece of meat from his sandwich and puts it in front of Jones' nose. Jones tries to eat it, but James THROWS it across the field.

Jones watches the meat fly, but then turns back to James.

JAMES

See?

MEG

Whatever.

JAMES

Oh no, Bobo!

Meg looks up to see what James is referring - Bobo is on top of Sake, he's uh... not being polite.

James gets up and runs to the dogs. Jones follows.

JAMES

Bobo no!

He separates the dogs.

JAMES

I'm sorry.

NOKI

(very soft, almost unheard)

It's okay, silly doggy.

JAMES

I'll try and keep him off of you from now... Jones stop!

Noki looks down. Jones is peeing on her.

NOKI

Stop doggie.

JAMES

Bad dog.

But he just keeps going. James has to pull him off, but he continues to pee.

He walks his two misbehaved dogs away from the poor woman.

JAMES

Sorry lady!

MANTIGUA

2010-10-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

INT. CAVE - NIGHT
Illuminated only by dim torchlight, a group of weary SLAVES in medieval rags catch their breaths.

Standing in the lead is a dashing knight in armor: DARTANIAN; also the only one who isn't covered in dirt and wheezing.

DARTANIAN

Not much further and you'll be free at last.

SLAVE 1

But it's cold.

Startled at the insolence, Dartanian turns to see who's talking.

DARTANIAN

The path to freedom is not an easy one, though the destination will more than make up for it.

SLAVE 1

Where are we going?

DARTANIAN

Now freed of your enslavement, we travel onward to Mantigua.

Scattered groans pass through the audience.

SLAVE 2

Not Mantigua. It's rubbish.

SLAVE 1

It is.

DARTANIAN

Would you rather be in bondage at this moment still?

SLAVE 1

Least we had benefits.

Dartanian gives a perplexed stare.

SLAVE 1

Two weeks vacation and medical.

SLAVE 2

No dental.

SLAVE 1

Right, no dental, but still... Mantigua?

At a loss, Dartanian's mouth hangs open, no words coming out.

SLAVE 3

Plus it's taco night.

All of the travelers murmur as they reflect fondly on taco night.

TRAVELER 1

No offense Dartanian, but uh... I think we're just going to scoot on back.

The slaves slowly begin to shuffle backwards giving polite nods to Dartanian as they do.

Soon he is alone in the cave. Taco-less.

INTERVIEW

2010-10-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

INT. OFFICE - DAY

JOSH sits nervously in a chair opposite MR. DANIELS.

Mr. Daniels reviews a file in front of him. He purses his lips and squints as he reads.

Josh wipes sweat from his forehead.

MR. DANIELS

So you say this is your first management position?

JOSH

I've had several managing roles, but yes, this will be the first manager title.

MR. DANIELS

And you think this is something you want to do?

JOSH

I don't quite get the question.

MR. DANIELS

This is the position that you want?

JOSH

Yes. Definitely.

MR. DANIELS

Who referred you to my office?

JOSH

Uh, Miss Johnson referred me.

Mr. Daniels smiles politely.

MR. DANIELS

I think there's been some kind of mistake.

JOSH

Listen, I really need this. I've been working away for over five years doing more of a job than half my managers and even some VP's. I deserve this promotion and I need it.

MR. DANIELS

Oh I don't doubt those things at all.

JOSH

(imploring)

Then what's the problem may I ask, sir?

MR. DANIELS

I'm looking for a band manager.

Josh stares blankly.

MR. DANIELS

I'm in a Styx cover band. We're called "Sticks" spelled the normal way.

LET'S GET LOST

2010-10-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

EXT. HIKING TRAIL - MORNING

JOHN reaches a turn on the trail. He looks back, exasperated.

MINDY approaches from the opposite direction. She has her golden retriever BETSY on a leash.

JOHN

Anything?

MINDY

Same as before, two trails.

KEVIN appears from below the trail on the hill.

KEVIN

Nothing down here. Just a huge freaking drop a few feet from here.

JOHN

Great.

MINDY

Don't freak out, we just need to go down.

JOHN

But how do you suggest we do that Mindy? We can't just follow the trails or we'll be out all night. We can't go down the mountain because of the canyon ridge.

MINDY

I don't know, just don't panic because that's not helping.

KEVIN

Guys?

JOHN/MINDY

What?

KEVIN

We'll just have to fly down.

JOHN

We'll be seen. We can't...

MINDY

He's right.

John secedes. He takes off his shirt revealing --

LARGE ANGEL WINGS protruding from his shoulder blades.

Kevin and Mindy have similar wings. Mindy picks up Betsy.

They FLY DOWN from the trail.

TYPE

2010-10-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

JOE sits at his computer. A blank Word document is open.

His hands are poised above the keyboard, but he does not type.

ANNE enters from the kitchen with a glass of warm tea.

ANNE

What's going on?

JOE

I'm trying to write.

ANNE

Okay, I won't bother you then.

JOE

You're not bothering me. Actually I haven't started yet.

ANNE

Oh? What's holding you up?

JOE

Not sure what to say?

ANNE

Why not talk about your day and go from there?

JOE

That seems pretty stupid.

ANNE

Okay, why not write down our conversation right now?

JOE

That's even worse!

ANNE

Fine then, figure it out yourself.

JOE

Aaah! I can't. I'm too stressed to write.

ANNE

Step away from it then.

JOE

You want to go somewhere?

ANNE

Not really, I just settled in.

Joe sits back in his chair.

JOE

Maybe we can watch something and it will spark the creativity.

ANNE

Maybe... what do you want to watch?

JOE

I don't know.

COUGH COUGH

2010-10-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

SAMSON stands at his desk, he picks up the phone and looks to JONAS sitting across the room.

Jonas picks up the other phone and the same line. Samson dials.

SAMSON

Not a word.

Jonas nods. He is sweating profusely, through his shirt.

A sultry WOMAN answers the other end.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Hello.

SAMSON

Delilah, it's Samson.

DELILAH (V.O.)

...yes?

SAMSON

I have the check.

DELILAH (V.O.)

Is it good?

Samson sighs.

SAMSON

What do you think?

Jonas stifles a COUGH, but it escapes.

DELILAH (V.O.)

Who was that?

SAMSON

Me, I have a bit of a cough.

DELILAH (V.O.)

It didn't sound like you.

Jonas COUGHS loudly at the same time Samson says:

SAMSON

No, it's me.

He gives Jonas a death stare.

DELILAH (V.O.)

Goodbye Samson. Next time leave Jonas off the line.

CUT TO BLACK:

CRASH

2010-10-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

EXT. GAS STATION - DAY

A 1966 Ford Mustang Coup SCREECHES down the street and SLAMS into a gas pump.

It's not as explosive as you might think --

The pump falls to the ground, the gas-line snapping in two.

The Coupe's front fender is squeezed in half.

Out from the pump's source, gas leaks out across the ground.

A staggering RITA steps out of the Coupe and wanders to the booth were a bewildered ATTENDANT looks on stupified.

RITA

You should hit the emergency shutoff.

Rita walks away, crazy or dazed, or both.

The Attendant looks around the booth in a panic, he finds the shutoff and SLAMS it.

INT. COUPE - 22 SECONDS AGO

Rita is driving along the street. She is frazzled --

Probably because of the GUN pointed at her face.

The gun is being held by a MASKED MAN with desperation in his eyes. He nods towards the freeway entrance.

MASKED MAN

Get on the five.

Rita regards his demand, but ignores it.

MASKED MAN

What are you doing? Get on the five!

Rapid-fast, Rita grabs the man's gun, WHIPS it into his face and tosses it out the open window.

The man grabs his face in pain, he reaches out with his other hand to strangle her.

Rita struggles to get her seatbelt on.

The man has her by the throat.

CUT TO BLACK:

SECRET JOB

2010-10-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

[scrippet]

INT. CAFE - NIGHT

JANICE sits across from MIKE.

JANICE
The things I've seen this week, you would not believe.

MIKE
That's very interesting, I was about to say the same thing.

JANICE
It's funny, you know? We've been talking to each other for months after work and I still don't know what you do.

MIKE
Probably best that you don't.

JANICE
Ooh, now I need to know.

MIKE
Trust me, you don't.

JANICE
Sounds secret agent-y, like CIA or Secret Service.

MIKE
No, nothing like that.

JANICE
Well, what is it then? You've stirred the pot.

MIKE
I scoop poo out of lakes.

The smile on Janice's face drops.

[/scrippet]

THE OTHER SHOE

2010-10-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

[scrippet]

INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

DAVID and TERRANCE sit across from each other. They both write, David in a notebook, Terrance on his iPad.

David looks up.

DAVID
Done.

TERRANCE
Almost done...

He finishes typing and then looks up.

TERRANCE
Okay, how do you want to do this?

DAVID
Just switch and we'll read each others at the same time?

TERRANCE
Deal.

They switch, David gives him the notebook, Terrance hands over the iPad.

They read.

DAVID
Woah, you want me to kill your parents?

TERRANCE
To start with...

DAVID
They couldn't have been THAT bad.

Terrance gives him a "what do you know?" look.

TERRANCE
Why is Cameron Diaz on your list?

DAVID
What's the last movie you liked of hers? Honestly.

TERRANCE
No one we don't actually know.

DAVID
Okay, scratch her off then. But I'm serious about that one.

They return to reading.

TERRANCE
I just had a thought.

David looks up.

TERRANCE
Is it even plausible to do this? I mean, we're talking about a great number of killings, and I don't even know you. For all I know, you suggested this sick and twisted game to trap me into admitting attempted murder. You could be a cop!

Terrance grabs for his iPad. David releases it without contest.

DAVID
You're right. And how do I know you're not the same? This is stupid, we should just leave it alone.

TERRANCE
Good idea.

DAVID
Except one thing...

Terrance looks up quizzically.

DAVID
I'm not a cop, but I've already played this game before. By your business partner.

David pulls out a gun.

DAVID
We met on a plane. He doesn't want to merge. He says you're standing in the way of the business progressing.

Terrance looks on at David in horror.

Suddenly -- David FALLS over. Dead.

TERRANCE
He mentioned you would say that...

[/scrippet]

WORST DAY EVER

2010-10-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

[scrippet]

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

SPENCER stands on his chair. He YELLS out above the cubicles.

SPENCER
This is the worst day of my entire life and I hate you all!

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

RAIN

2010-10-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

[scrippet]

EXT. STREET - DAY

It is pouring buckets of rain. Everything is drenched to the bone.

In the midst of the wet stands JANE with her spunky little dog ROCKET. Jane holds a battered umbrella that is not doing its job.

JANE
Hurry up and piss, I'm gonna be late!

Rocket looks up at her with sad eyes.

JANE
I'm sorry baby. But I'm really really late today.

Rocket YAPS in response.

JANE
Oh well, it's not like I really care about my job anyway. I should just show up late, that'll show 'em.

Rocket sniffs the ground.

JANE
You're right, I can't afford to get fired.

Jane spots a CUTE GUY across the street. He's wiping the excess rain off his hair.

She becomes self conscious of her outfit - a large brown smock and dirty rain boots.

Rocket YAPS.

JANE
(low)
Quiet, we don't want him to look at us.

He looks at them. Smiles.

Jane's eyes go wide, she hides behind her umbrella.

Rocket YAPS.

A car drives by, SPLOOSHING water all over Jane.

[/scrippet]

BEAR

2010-10-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

Link to what I was thinking of when I wrote this: Bear

[scrippet]

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

JEFFREY is struggling to stay afloat. The incessant waves beat against his tired and worn body. He is losing consciousness fast.

He pulls out a homing beacon from underneath his life-jacket.

The beacon is still BLINKING as it has for hours.

JEFFREY
Oh God, please don't let me die...

As soon as he says this - a BLUR in the distance.

It gets closer, but is still indistinguishable.

JEFFREY
If this be death, may it come quickly.

The figure rides along the crest of a wave, it begins to take form --

It is a GRIZZLY BEAR riding on the back of a great white SHARK.

The bear GROWLS in the air.

Jeffrey panics, trying with all his might to swim away.

CINDY (O.S.)
...And that's why you're late?

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

CINDY is staring in disbelief at a wet and haggard Jeffrey. Her arms are folded, not believing a word.

JEFFREY
I fought off the bear and the shark, then the shark with the bear's claw hand in it's mouth.

CINDY
Right...

JEFFREY
I don't care if you believe me, I know what's real.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

AMAZING RACE

2010-10-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Based on my dream last night.

[scrippet]

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

A large hallway lined with locker-type doors.

Inside the doors are double-decker bunks, large enough to fit two people comfortably for a night's sleep.

Walking along them is ERIC and SPENCER.

ERIC
Do you like this one?

SPENCER
Will that get us close enough?

ERIC
Everything else is taken.

SPENCER
We want to be the first team out in the morning.

ERIC
Maybe we should go over there then.

Eric points through a door. On the other side is a giant Olympic-sized pool. Beyond that is another set of lockers.

SPENCER
Ya, that's good.

Eric and Spencer head towards the lockers. They get half-way across the poolside when Eric stops.

ERIC
I think those are off limits.

SPENCER
How can you tell?

ERIC
The producers told me earlier.

Spencer gives Eric a shrewd look - is he telling the truth?

SPENCER
Let's go back then.

They head back to the hallway.

[/scrippet]

CALL CENTER

2010-10-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

[scrippet]
INT. CALL CENTER - DAY

KYLE sits at a computer wearing a headset.

KYLE
Thank you for calling customer support, my name is Kyle, how may I help you?

On the other end comes the gruff voice of TED.

TED
Hey Kyle, I need to activate my account.

KYLE
Okay, may I get your name and phone number starting with the area code.

TED
It's Ted... actually, can I just talk to you about someone else's account?

KYLE
That shouldn't be a problem, just so long as you are authorized on the account.

TED
Well let me ask you this Kyle, what if I wanted to access someone else's account when I'm not on it?

KYLE
I can't allow you to do that sir.

TED
No, it's totally legit. They already gave me permission.

KYLE
Well who's account are you looking for? Maybe you're authorized and you don't know it.

TED
Oprah Winfrey.

KYLE
Oprah. You want access to Oprah's account?

TED
Yessir.

KYLE
And she told you that you are authorized.

TED
In a dream, yes.

Kyle is silent, taking all this in.

KYLE
I'm sorry sir but I can't just let you have access to someone else's account without their...

TED
You know what, forget it. I'll just have her call this in instead of me.

KYLE
Alright, sounds great.

Ted hangs up.

[/scrippet]

Back!

2010-09-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hey gang! I've decided to re-initiate this blog. Spencer will be around too.

Here's the new rules:

- One script a day (not one each like before).
- Either one of us may write a script, doesn't matter what order.
- No theme for the script unless someone suggests something. Basically no pressure to come up with ideas for scripts, it will be more of a free-flowing sort of deal.
- Guest writers are welcome (and encouraged) to submit their own one-page scripts. Submit your scripts to me (click my profile and my email is on there somewhere.)
- Have fun.

Here's the first script since almost a year. Hopefully there will be many more to come!

[scrippet]

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

JACK (28) enters. He picks up a worn-out TOOTHBRUSH.

Just before he applies the toothpaste...

TOOTHBRUSH
Hey Jack.

Jack looks around for the source of the voice.

TOOTHBRUSH (CONT’D)
Down here buddy.

He looks at the Toothbrush which has now become animate.

JACK
Oh hey Toothbrush.

TOOTHBRUSH
How you been lately? Seems like we hardly talk.

JACK
Doing good, doing good. Ya, sorry about that. Things have been a little hectic.

TOOTHBRUSH
I can tell. Lots of different flavors and smells coming from in that mouth of yours.

JACK
You know me, I like new food.

TOOTHBRUSH
Yes, I do know you.

An awkwardness settles in.

TOOTHBRUSH (CONT’D)
So you know, I’ve been wondering...

JACK
Hey. You know I would never replace you right? I couldn’t do that to a friend.

TOOTHBRUSH
Oh no, I know. I was just wondering if you could not place me over the toilet. I’m getting all sorts of crud in my bristles.

[/scrippet]

100th Pre-Script-tion Birthday Surprise!

2009-11-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

Dearest Readers,

So as you might have noticed we've been a little bit behind on our posting lately.
Late, and crazy burnt out.

Since we just finished our 100th scripts, we decided to take a break. No ordinary break, though. A break in order to write even more. Let us explain ~

We are most definitely writing a page each every day, but not from inspirations and not posted on the blog. It will be on a single feature film that we need to polish. This way we will be working towards something.

Don't believe us? Here's the logline:

A brilliant chef is unable to leave the family diner because of a gypsy curse, but when he falls in love with a beautiful amnesiac, he must venture out into the world and travel through time to save her.

How do you like it? Please email or post comments.

Unfortunately we won't be posting pages from our script here, as that would lose us trade secrets and then no one would want to read the script any more... (although, we might be able to post the first few pages and such).

That being said, this site won't die. Not right away anyway. More like a slow and painful death.

Like an elderly loved one.

In fact, in order to show you our dedication to having daily script action - starting this Friday, we're going to do a post about our top favorite 5 scripts that have been written on this site. Complete with wonderful background stories and anecdotes.

Later next week, we'll each do a direct adaptation of a one page story and perhaps post other one page scripts here from time to time.

If we're feeling particularly ambitious, we will ask others to write us a one page script from an inspiration hand-picked by us. By all means, if you want to write us a script, let us know and we'll email you an inspiration.

Another fun thing we've been thinking about is posting a page from professional scripts (good and bad) for your enjoyment and criticism.

Well that's it folks, that's all the news for the day. Don't forget to post your feedback for our logline.... we're going to be entering it in to a contest and need as much input as possible. Does it make sense? Does it Flow? Let us know in the comments--->

One Hundred

2009-11-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

Children doing adult things is adorable.

[scrippet]

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

The cafeteria is full of CHILDREN talking and laughing and even some that are eating.

Away from the crowds is a small clique of children. Leading the group and wearing a BERET is CLAUDE.

CLAUDE
I have a vision for this... I need you people to help me achieve it. We start production in a few minutes, but we have been prepping for this for most of our child lives. I mostly just wanted to say thank you to you all.

The other children smile and nod enthusiastically.

CLAUDE
All right, lets get this started. John, get the camera set up.

JOHN grabs a large VHS camera that looks like a struggle for him to carry.

CLAUDE
Alice and Darl, get in to position.

Dressed in oversized dress clothes are ALICE and DARl. They stand in front of camera and prep themselves.

CLAUDE
Lights!

A PUDGY KID turns on a series of flashlights that are taped together.

CLAUDE
Camera!

The camera begins to roll.

CLAUDE
Action!

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This song has been playing in my head for hours...

[scrippet]
EXT. NOWHERE LAND - DAY
In a trippy half-reality land, SIMON steps into a void. Strange music plays and a fuzzy green background is in constant loop.

Looking very confused, Simon takes out his cell phone and dials.

No ring, no service.

Soon, a large PIANO with legs walks towards him. It starts playing a strange off-key melody.
It begins to talk.

PIANO
Hello Simon.

SIMON
Um...did you just talk?

PIANO
Yes I did.

SIMON
But you're not supposed to be able to talk.

PIANO
Neither are you, and frankly it's starting to freak me out. It's like I'm tripping balls or something.

SIMON
That's how I feel!

Simon and the Piano stare off into the hazy distance. They are not quite sure what to do at this point.

PIANO
I've got nachos...

SIMON
Let's do it.

Simon follows the Piano off into who-knows-where to eat nachos.

FADE TO BLACK:
[/scrippet]

Ninety Nine

2009-10-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

A bit adult and completely weird.

[scrippet]

EXT. CAMPGROUND - MORNING

A MAN is spooning a mountain bike. Sleeping outside the tent is a beautiful WOMAN.
The man wakes groggily and looks at the bike. He skitters back quickly, disgusted.

MAN
Ugh. Looks like I got the ugly one.

He looks around, confused.

MAN
I wonder where Dan is...

His eyes make contact with a completely naked DAN making out with a sasquatch.

MAN
Or did I?

FADE OUT.

[/scrippet]

This did not start off as an intense thriller, but that's where it ended up.

[scrippet]
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY

Sleeping outside a grey and green tent is SAMANTHA (27), she looks uncomfortable and cold. She bundles up the best she can in her blue hoodie sweater.

From the tent emerges BRIAN (29), he looks well rested and still in post-sleep bliss.

BRIAN
Good morning!

This startles Samantha awake. The bags under her eyes and annoyed look on her face show a night not well slept.

BRIAN
What’s for breakfast?

Samantha grumbles as she gets up.

BRIAN
Oh come on, why the grumpy-grumps?

Brian starts doing push-ups on the ground.

Digging through pots and various food items, Samantha is able to find what she needs to cook. She begins her task with a scowl on her face.

Brian finishes his pushups and begins to jog in place near the table.

BRIAN
I feel so energized right now! I’m good for a run. Can you make sure to have everything ready by the time I get back?

Samantha gives what resembles an affirmative.

BRIAN
Good.

He starts to run away.

BRIAN
(calling after)
And don’t let it get cold either, I don’t know how long I’m going to be.

Samantha stops what she is doing and watches as Brian disappears onto the trail.

As soon as he is gone, she sets to work.

She puts her leg on the table. A very large CHAIN AND CUFFS are attached to her leg like a caged animal. She picks away at it with a butter knife and rock. The ware on the cuff shows that she has been at this for a while.

Working feverishly, Samantha is able to finally break the chain off her leg. She stares at it for a moment not sure that she is actually free.

Snapping to - she grabs whatever food she can and stuffs it into a bag. She raids the tent and puts whatever she can find. Before she leaves, she takes a good long look at the bike that is resting gently next to Brian’s sleeping bag.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL - LATER

Samantha is riding break-neck speed down the mountain. She doesn’t pay mind to the whipping tree branches and rocky terrain, she is ready to get the hell out of there.
[/scrippet]

Ninety Eight

2009-10-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

Starting to feel burned out... this is the result.

[scrippet]

EXT. WISHING WELL - DAY

Standing at the edge of the well is CHRIS DUCKSWORTH (8) and his teddy bear TEDDY RUXPIN.

TEDDY RUXPIN
This is a wishing well. If you put money in it, your wish will be granted. Isn’t that great?

Chris nods enthusiastically.

TEDDY RUXPIN
Do you have any money Christopher?

Chris thinks for a minute and then reaches in to his pocket, pulling out several coins. He holds one out over the abyss, nervous to toss them in.

TEDDY RUXPIN
Go ahead. It’s ok.

Closing his eyes and concentrating, Chris throws a coin down the well.

TEDDY RUXPIN
Well, did it work?

Chris peeks open. Disappointment fills his face.

TEDDY RUXPIN
Chris?

Disappointment turns to anger.

TEDDY RUXPIN
Christopher? What’s wrong?

WHACK! Chris elbows Ruxpin knocking him down the well.

TEDDY RUXPIN
Nooooooooooooooooo.

Chris listens for the splash and then smiles.

CHRIS
Looks like wishes do come true.

FADE OUT.

[/scrippet]

I'll go ahead and say that I think Teddy made it to a magical happy land at the bottom of that well.

[scrippet]
EXT. FIELD - DAY

Within a glowingly green and bright field is a large intricate WISHING WELL.

A fuzzy and adorable TEDDY BEAR frolics through the field throwing flowers in every direction. He holds a large pile of coins in his paw.

He stops abruptly -

Three very large ITALIAN MOBSTERS are standing by the wishing well holding a mace, baseball bat and a gun.

The teddy bear’s demeanor falls instantly.

MOBSTER ONE
How you doin’ Teddy?

TEDDY BEAR
Oh gee, hehe, hello fellas.

MOBSTER ONE
Seems that you have a good chunk of change there.

TEDDY BEAR
Oh ya. I’m going to wish for rainbows and cool breezes.

The mobsters eye the coins greedily.

TEDDY BEAR
...and world peace...

The main mobster fella walks slowly to Teddy. Teddy covers his coins somewhat.

MOBSTER ONE
Tell you what teddy, I’ll take your coins, and then you can ‘buy’ good things to happen to you.

TEDDY BEAR
Gee, I don’t think that’s how it works...

MOBSTER ONE
Oh it’s not, huh?

Teddy makes a break for it. He RUNS towards the well and drops the coins as fast as he can.

This infuriates the mobsters who pick him up and THROW HIM IN.

TEDDY BEAR
Oh nooooooo....

The mobsters dust off their hands and snicker as they walk away.

INT. WELL - DAY
Teddy is falling, falling, falling.
[/scrippet]

Ninety Seven

2009-10-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Unclaimed domain name: Sciencemeetsart.com

Pretty sure I've written something similar to this prior, and it all ends with a punchline that an 11 year old would think was hilarious. Typical fare.

[scrippet]

INT. HIGH TECH TESTING FACILITY - DAY

A HUMANOID ANDROID is in a padded white room, painting on a large white canvas. The painting itself is very straight lines with little color.

Behind a glass is an ANALYST in a white lab coat and an ART CRITIC in a black turtle neck.

ANALYST
His form seems to be improving.

ART CRITIC
(frustrated)
But there’s no passion. No love.

The robot turns to the glass with big sad eyes.

ROBOT
What is this ‘love’?

ANALYST
Hearing is definitely above average.

The paint brush drops to the floor and a metallic hand presses against the glass.

ROBOT
Do you ‘love’ me?

The critic smirks.

ART CRITIC
Answer the man.

ANALYST
I... I don’t know. I suppose as I do love you, as much as it is possible for a man to love a metal man that he built himself. Totally not in a gay way though.

ROBOT
What is this ‘gay’? Do you ‘gay’ me?

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Meh.

[scrippet]
INT. COLLEGE COMPUTER LAB - DAY

DORKUS is busily typing away at a lab computer. An all-consuming chatter of keyboards is providing a jabbing soundtrack.

Dorkus is setting up a domain registration. The cursor blinks on ‘domain name’ over and over. Dorkus has stopped typing and is in deep thought.

The faded voice of Dorkus’ teacher comes into his mind.

TEACHER (V.O.)
Remember to choose something that reflects who you are and your personality.

In the domain field, Dorkus types ‘Hotchix.com’ with fervor.

He reflects on this decision.

TEACHER (V.O.)
Make sure it is not pornographic or suggestive because you don’t want to be attracting the wrong type of user.

Dorkus deletes what he has typed and begins again, this time with ‘starwars.com’ as the domain name.

TEACHER (V.O.)
And most importantly...don’t use a name that is copyrighted or that may cause some unneeded legal battles.

Dorkus slowly deletes the name smashing the delete key for each letter.

He thinks long and hard.

TEACHER (V.O.)
You know what you want, so tell the people about it. It’s as simple as reaching into your soul and communicating that to the people of the internet.

Dorkus starts to type. He finishes and clicks ‘Done.’

The page transfers to a confirmation. It states - ‘Congratulations! You have just registered the domain SCIENCEMEETSART.COM, you may begin creating content.’
[/scrippet]

Ninety Six

2009-10-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Pre-production is scheduled to begin this week on Mad Max: Fury Road,
the fourth installment from director George Miller.

I'm pretty sure this is what Hollywood is like.

[scrippet]

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Sitting behind a huge desk covered in papers and movie memorabilia is ERIC, a Hollywood producer. He is talking on his BLUETOOTH, arms animated.

ERIC
Mad Max. Love it. Built in fanbase, and I know just where to run with it.

Eric lights up a cigarette and begins to smoke as he describes.

ERIC
We’ll need a star if we’re going to sell it, so hear me out on this: The Jonas Brothers.

He waits for a reaction.

ERIC
Yes, I’m serious. So the whole thing was a sort of post-apocalyptic vibe going on... a bunch of motor heads, right? Well, what if it wasn’t? I know, it’s a stretch, but we could get a larger audience if it was a comedy. Preferably something PG-13... maybe in the road trip genre.

He extinguishes his cigarette and thinks for a moment.

ERIC
We could play with that. The Road Trip Warrior or something... I don’t know. Something to play on that whole thing. Oh, and love interest. What about Jessica Alba?

Another pause as he waits for a reaction.

ERIC
Well, I think it’s golden. Real quick, soundtrack idea, we get Hannah Montanah... really bring in that demographic. Oh, I got to go though... I know you’ll give me something good.

Eric hangs up and begins to pack up.

CUT TO:

INT. HOME - DAY

A middle aged SCREENWRITER sits on the other end of the phone.

A single tear rolls down his cheek as he hangs up.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I looooove the original movies. This is a teaser trailer idea for the new one.

[scrippet]
EXT. ROAD - DAY

The blistering sun beats down on an already scorched asphalt road. There is nothing but red sand in all directions. The wavy lines of evaporating heat blur the distant view.

A faint RUMBLING is heard coming from afar.

Plumes of smoke rise from a tiny spec in the horizon.

The distinct rhythm of DRUMS begin to swell louder and louder as the object gets closer.
It is clear now that the object coming towards us is a small all-terrain vehicle. It is unclear who is driving.

The deep voice of an American NARRATOR is heard. It is the same raspy voice that could be heard in an early 1980’s movie trailer.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some say he lived for peace.

The rumbling and the drums get LOUDER.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some say he died for a cause.

The vehicle is close enough now that we see the figure of a MAN in black leather and eyepatch is driving straight for us.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some people...can be completely wrong...

This mysterious man ZOOMS past us as we PAN to watch him carry on down the road. Dust spits up into our face as the man disappears once again into the horizon.
[/scrippet]

Unclaimed domain name: Sciencemeetsart.com

Ninety Five

2009-10-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Different from the prompt, but this is what came to my head.

[scrippet]

INT. PRISON EXECUTION CHAMBER - NIGHT

Strapped to a table is MARK HOWARD, dressed in an orange jumpsuit with his head buzzed.

A DOCTOR stands on one side of him, and a PREACHER on the other.

MARK
I’ll see you in hell.

PREACHER
Actually, I’ll be in heaven... so uh... this is goodbye.

DOCTOR
(snickering to himself)
Heaven. You got to be kidding yourself.

PREACHER
What a cliche. Just because you’re a man of science doesn’t mean you have to deny faith.

DOCTOR
I just think that--

MARK
Actually... could we maybe do this thing? The anticipation is killing me.

Mark smiles slightly at this statement.

MARK
Well, not literally. Otherwise I wouldn’t be complaining-- oh forget it, let’s do it!

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Tragedy can strike even those sentenced to death.

[scrippet]
INT. CELLBLOCK D - DAY

A prison GUARD paces up and down the cellblock D, the famous 'Death Row.' He checks to make sure the inmates are behaving appropriately.

He stops at a particular cell and checks in.

A tall white INMATE is lying on the bed.

GUARD
Alright Howard. It’s not time for sleeping.

No response.

The Guard taps the bars with his nightstick. It rings a loud ECHO through the jail.

GUARD
Howard!

Nothing.

GUARD
Wake up fool, you’re going to get me in trouble again.

The Guard reaches in to jostle Howard. No response, Howard’s head drops to the side as if lifeless.

The Guard talks into his radio -

GUARD
Cellblock D, number five please.

A loud BUZZING is heard and the door opens. The Guard rushes in and checks Howard’s pulse. He lowers his head in disappointment.

GUARD
We’re in trouble now.
(to Howard)
You’re not supposed to die yet! Now what am I going to do. They’ll put me in the chow hall for this.

The Guard instinctively PUNCHES the dead Howard. Then realizes and pats him lightly as penance.

GUARD
(into radio)
We got a limp one here!
[/scrippet]

Pre-production is scheduled to begin this week on Mad Max: Fury Road,
the fourth installment from director George Miller.

Ninety Four

2009-10-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

This could use some fine tuning, but I like the idea.

[scrippet]

EXT. OPEN PLAINS - DAY

Several MEN are working on a railroad. They are hardworking laborers, sweating profusely.

Standing to the side is a group of nicely dressed BEARDED MEN. Leading a discussion amongst them is JEREMIAH.

JEREMIAH
We are nigh unto complete, brethren. Twas but a fortnight ago when we started this venture, and not a one among us couldst have imagined such progress at this rate.

A hand shots up out of the crowd. Jeremiah calls on him.

MAN
Why are you talking like that?

JEREMIAH
What doest thou proclaim?

MAN
You’re talking all funny. With big words.

MAN 2
Yeah. What’s with the big words?

JEREMIAH
Poppycock. Doest thou make a mockery of my diction?

MAN 3
Mockery?

MAN 4
Like to make fun of.

MAN 3
Oh. Yeah. We are. Wait. What's diction?

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This is a case of not knowing what to write and letting the story take me along for the ride.

[scrippet]
INT. UNDERGROUND BREWERY - DAY

A large group of men in fancy jackets and beards.

In the corner is a medium sized DISTILLER and a MICROBREWERY.

Many of the men are busily working on filling bottles with the massy brown liquid - most likely homemade alcohol. The machines used to concoct this dirty ale is churning LOUDLY.

Suddenly, young RICHARD JOHNSON comes running into the room.

RICHARD
Sirs! I believe you are in danger of becoming discovered.

Everyone stops and looks up at the young man. One of the men with a particularly GRIZZLY BEARD steps forward.

GRIZZLY BEARD
Speak up lad!

RICHARD
The D.A. and a group of bluecoats are at the heels of your operation. I say, you must cease forthwith or else be discovered.

GRIZZLY BEARD
You heard the lad fellas, get going. Code Red!

The entire group of bootleggers buzzes as they try and cover up everything. They panic as they trip over the many tools and bottles. They are able to correct everything to make it look inconspicuous.

The door FLIES open and the D.A. enters with a large group of policemen. He looks around at the scene -

Every single one of the gentlemen are standing or sitting in a line, chatting lightly with each other. They look inconspicuous alright.

DA
Good morning gentlemen, I hope I haven’t come at a bad time.

All of them answer at once, trying to not lead on.

DA
Well, I guess we should take a look shall we?

Eyes shift back and forth from the group of outlaws. They begin to sweat and panic.

GRIZZLY BEARD
Take a thorough look my good man. Can I interest you in a drink?

Richard slaps his forehead. How dumb could this guy be?

DA
Drink of what Simmons? Do you have illegal substances?

Simmons fumbles. He’s caught for sure.

The DA reaches down and picks up a half-empty bottle that someone didn’t clean up. He sniffs it and winces.

DA
Officers, please arrest these men.

All of the men groan and surrender. They give Simmons a dirty look as they are led out of the room.
[/scrippet]

Ninety Three

2009-10-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

The International Coalition for Drug Awareness

Going with the obvious joke here. I'm not above that obviously.

[scrippet]

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

At the front of the room, leading the discussion is DAVID SMITHWICK, a handsome man in a suit. The room is full of BUSINESS MEN enthralled in David’s lecture.

DAVID
Thank you everyone for coming to the The International Coalition for Drug Awareness. First up on the agenda, let’s talk meth. I’m not sure people are aware enough of it.

Nods spread throughout the room. NICHOLAS echoes this sentiment:

NICHOLAS
Yeah, I think people don’t realize how dangerous and addictive that stuff really is.

David chuckles, looking at Nicholas like he’s crazy.

DAVID
Good one Nicholas. Maybe since this is your first meeting, you should just observe.
(back to business)
I think that Meth could be our new gateway drug. It’s easy to make and obtain. It gives you a great high. I personally love the stuff--

NICHOLAS
Excuse me? Love the stuff?

DAVID
Yes... it gives a great high... easy to make and obtain. You are paying attention, right?

NICHOLAS
Aren’t we supposed to be preventing drug use.

The room breaks in to laughter.

DAVID
(holding back laughter)
Oh god, I’m sorry Nicholas. I thought you understood. We want to raise awareness. Drugs are great!

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I imagine a terribly charming dude who gets asked by his enemies if he would like a cup of tea.

[scrippet]
EXT. PFIZER PLANT - DAY

A crowd has gathered around the entrance to the drug company - Pfizer. Several large SWAT trucks and police cars flash lights with groups of armed police forces behind them.

Several people come out of the building. One of them, DIRK - is wearing a torn dress shirt with spots of blood. He is handcuffed and being led to a police car by a few cops.

The press comes at him like vultures.

REPORTER 1
Mr. Hughes! Why did you do it?

DIRK
Didn’t think I would get caught, obviously.

REPORTER 2
How long did it take for authorities to find out?

DIRK
They took their time, but eventually it couldn’t be denied.

REPORTER 1
What was all this about?

DIRK
Drug awareness.

REPORTER 1
Can you expound?

DIRK
Well...everyone knows about the drugs now don’t they?

The reporters are silent.

DIRK
I guess I did my job then.

REPORTER 2
Were you working for a rival company?

DIRK
I wasn’t working for a rival company, I can’t divulge any information about that at this time. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go to jail.

The reporters clammer on, but Dirk is already getting into the squad car. The car door slams on him, he waves goodbye.
[/scrippet]

Ninety Two

2009-10-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Drowning.

This isn't really literal drowning, but I sometimes feel like I'm slipping away when this sort of thing happens. Struggling to stay above the surface.

[scrippet]

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Struggling to stay awake in the middle of class is JOSHUA. He starts to nod off but jerks awake; he looks around to make sure no one’s seen.

He looks to the clock: 11:21

Joshua tries to pay attention, but the TEACHER’s words sound like muffled like their underwater. Things begin to move in slow motion.

Eyes growing heavy, Joshua finally relinquishes. He shuts them completely, resting his head in his hands.

TEACHER (O.S.)
Joshua?

He jerks up again, red with embarrassment.

TEACHER
This is important. It would be in your best interest to pay attention.

All eyes on him, Joshua sinks in his seat, but it doesn’t really do much good.

Soon the class picks back up. Joshua looks to the clock again: 11:22

JOSHUA
(to himself)
1 minute? You’ve got to be kidding.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Not a factual conversation.

[scrippet]
INT. ROOM - NIGHT

ERIC is having an imaginary conversation with SPENCER. They are chatting on instant message, but this really didn’t happen. It is fictional. Here’s what is typed:

SPENCER
Did you post the scripts?

ERIC
Um...

SPENCER
I gather that you didn’t get them posted.

ERIC
Maybe-ish?
(pause)
Okay, I didn’t do it.

SPENCER
Tsk, tsk.

ERIC
I was really tired last night. I couldn’t stay awake to do it. I feel like I've got too much going on...I'm drow-

SPENCER
Likely excuses...

Eric stops his typing and deletes the last two words. He begins again - furious typing.

ERIC
Shut up. Your stupid...face.

SPENCER
Woah, don’t get testy. I’m just saying you could have done it. I get my stuff done no matter how late.

ERIC
What about the other night? You didn’t finish it. We had to post the next day.

SPENCER
That doesn’t count.

ERIC
Pshh!

Radio silence.

Then --

SPENCER
I forgive you.

ERIC
Thank you. I’m sorry.

SPENCER
You should just be more careful to get things done earlier.

Eric LOGS OFF chat and leaves the room.
[/scrippet]

The International Coalition for Drug Awareness

Ninety One

2009-10-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Always double check your packing.

[scrippet]

EXT. LANDSCAPE - DAWN

The sun is rising on a beautiful prehistoric vista. A large DINOSAUR slumbers near its nest, and PTERODACTYLS fly overhead in the distance.

PFFT! A TIME MACHINE pops up with a puff of electricity. Out of it steps MARLIN and his manservant BO.

Marlin is wearing a smoking jacket and holding a pipe, while Bo is dressed in a tuxedo with his nose in the air.

MARLIN
Ah, splendid. Let the record show that the machine did indeed work. Emanuel, the fool... didn’t believe it for an instant.

He chuckles to himself and takes a puff on his pipe.

MARLIN
Looks like I won that bet, eh chap? So now if you’ll be kind enough to document?

Marlin steps in front and poses. Bo ruffles through his belongings.

MARLIN
Get the dinosaur in the background...

Bo begins to blush, still looking.

MARLIN
You did bring the camera right? We didn’t travel all this way--

Frustrated, Marlin stomps back in to the machine and pulls out a SHOTGUN.

MARLIN
Looks like we’ll be getting hard evidence.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Everybody's got dads, right?

[scrippet]
EXT. PREHISTORIC LANDSCAPE - DAY

Several volcanoes erupt. The sky is a bright orange.

Two tall STEGOSAURUS stand on the edge of the cliff looking down into the wild setting.

The SMALL stegosaurus looks up to the TALLER.

SMALL
Dad?

TALLER
Yes son?

SMALL
Did you ever do this kind of thing with your dad?

TALLER
What? Look at the volcanoes?

SMALL
Well ya, but also camping and stuff.

TALLER
Oh ya, all the time.

They continue watching the display of fury and fire.

SMALL
That’s cool.

TALLER
Yeah, it was.

SMALL
I miss grandpa.

TALLER
Wish he could be here with us. Well, he is, in a way.

SMALL
I think that’s true. I always feel like he’s around. Watching over us.

TALLER
I like to think that too.

The smaller dinosaur nestles into his father’s shoulder.

SMALL
(softly)
I love you.

The taller smiles.
[/scrippet]

Drowning.

Ninety

2009-10-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Nice to get on the forum. I'm sure I'll spend far too much time trawling through the various threads. I can just hear the wife shouting at me to get off "that stupid computer" some people just don't understand.
Rock on fellow Gibbo fans."

This is why old people shouldn't use technology.

[scrippet]

INT. HOME OFFICE - NIGHT

Sitting hunched over his computer is DARYLL (67). He types using the hunt and peck method, saying aloud what he’s writing.

DARYLL
Nice to get on the forum.

He pushes his glasses up and looks to the moniter to make sure everything is correct.

DARYLL
I am--

He takes his eyes off the keyboard and back to the monitor again, thinking for a moment.

DARYLL
I’m sure I’ll spend far too much time...

His hands pull away from the keyboard as he thinks for another moment.

DARYLL
What do they say? Toiling? Trolling? That can’t be right. Maybe I can google that.
Grabbing the mouse, he clicks on things at random.

DARYLL
How do I do a google?

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Some things are just important.

[scrippet]
INT. DEN - NIGHT

CARL is at the computer desk, typing away. He is deeply involved in a forum chat. He has all the knowledge in the world and is ready to let everyone know it.

In the other room, Carl’s sweet wife CAROL is busily cleaning up. She peeks her head into the den.

CAROL
Okay sweetie, it’s about time to wrap it up.

CARL
Just one more minute.

CAROL
One more minute, then we have to go.

CARL
Okay...just...a second...

Carl gets deeper into his typing.

Carol goes into the other room. Loud THUMPING is heard.

Carl is oblivious to it all.

CAROL (O.C.)
Carl.

CARL
Just a second.

Carol peeks her head around the corner again. She is wearing a robe.

CAROL
Carl.

CARL
Ya, hold on a second honey.

He continues to clack at the keyboard.

CAROL
Carl!

Carl looks up.

Carol comes out from the corner and unfold her robe for him. We are not sure what’s underneath because the camera angle obscures it, but whatever it is, Carl like it.

CAROL
Ready now?

Carl sits looking on speechless...then --

CARL
I’ll be done in one second honey, I promise...

Carol exasperates. She leaves.

CARL
Just one more second!

CAROL
(leaving)
Ya right.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Nine

2009-10-21T00:01:00.002-07:00

There are certain things I dream about all the time. This is not one of them.

[scrippet]

INT. OFFICE - DAY

The office looks like it’s out of one of Kafka’s nightmares. Harsh angles and only mildly representational furniture puts ZIDDLER at unrest.

Ziddler squirms in his chair. In enters THE BARON.

THE BARON
I would love to give you the job.

The Baron stops mid step and eyes Ziddler disappointed.

THE BARON
But you aren’t wearing any pants.

Ziddler looks down. He’s right.

ZIDDLER
Zet “Gigolo” dan ook maar op--

Ziddler touches his throat in confusion. He tries talking again, but nonsense still comes out. Subtitles translate:

ZIDDLER
(subtitled)
I can explain.

THE BARON
I’m sorry sir. You’ll have to speak English.

Panicked, Ziddler snaps to attention--

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sitting upright is a now awake Ziddler. His WIFE sits up consoling him.

WIFE
Bad dream?

He nods.

WIFE
Was the Baron in it?

Another nod and a shudder.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Not quite sure why they think this is so funny...

[scrippet]
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A particularly SWEATY MAN is sitting biting his nails.

Behind a one-way mirror stands a COP and a DETECTIVE. They look at the man and come up with questions.

COP
Ask him...
(laughs)
Wait, ask him if he knows about March 14th.

DETECTIVE
(giggling)
What’s March 14th?

COP
Exactly.

The Cop grins widely.

DETECTIVE
Oh, I get it. Haha.

The detective writes the question down.

DETECTIVE
I think that’s enough..
(giggle)
Hold on just a sec.

The detective leaves the observation room and enters the conference room. He gets very serious (slipping a smirk at the one-way mirror). He smacks his notepad on the table, making the man jump.

DETECTIVE
Tell me...what happened on the night of March 14th?

SWEATY MAN
Zet? Zet ‘gigolo’ dan ook maar op de l’jst van zware beroepen.

The detective tries his best not to laugh. A low, muffled laugh is heard on the other side of the mirror.

The detective motions his hand behind his back to quiet the cop. He returns to the notepad.

DETECTIVE
How often have you been with your neighbor...you know, intimately?

SWEATY MAN
Als dat zo zit.

The detective takes out a handkerchef and covers his smiling mouth with it. He runs out of the room and closes the door.

On the other side of the door is heard laughing.

The sweaty man sits confused. He gets up and looks into the mirror. Both the cop and detective are faintly heard laughing on the other side.
[/scrippet]

"Nice to get on the forum. I'm sure I'll spend far too much time trawling through the various threads. I can just hear the wife shouting at me to get off "that stupid computer" some people just don't understand.
Rock on fellow Gibbo fans."

Eighty Eight

2009-10-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Lame concept.

[scrippet]

EXT. CORN FIELD, AERIAL FOOTAGE - DAY

Expansive green spreads far and wide.

ALIEN (V.O.)
Beautiful.

INT. SPACE SHIP - DAY

The ALIEN is sitting at a control deck with his hat on backwards.

ALIEN
I love tagging corn. The stalks bend so nicely.... creates nice contrast.

The FAT ALIEN next to him smiles and nods.

ALIEN
What do you think we should do?

FAT ALIEN
I don’t know. Like some geometric pattern. They go crazy for that stuff.

ALIEN
Naw. Did that three fields back.

The two sit, thinking.

ALIEN
Name an animal.

FAT ALIEN
Gorthonian Pyran.

ALIEN
Earth animal. Something dumb.

FAT ALIEN
Jelly fish?

ALIEN
Perfect.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I love when characters are talking about seemingly random things while they do extraordinary things.

[scrippet]
EXT. CORNFIELD - NIGHT

A group of teenagers are busily flattening a crop of corn.

They use large wooden beams tied to rope and slung around their shoulders. They move in a methodical pattern.

Holding a large beam and talking amongst themselves are JAMES and TAYLOR. They are both college aged.

JAMES
You’re just trying too hard.

TAYLOR
What does that even mean?

JAMES
You think you can be perfect in everything and you give a hundred percent on everything.

They stop at the end of a circle they’ve created and move on to a different part of the field.

JAMES
If you keep giving full percents to everything, something is eventually going to be dropped.

TAYLOR
So what do you suggest?

JAMES
Just take it easy on a few things.

TAYLOR
But what? Everything I’m working on is essential in my opinion. And I don’t like putting in less than a perfect effort.

JAMES
Sometimes, doing a good job is better than doing a perfect job.

TAYLOR
Like where is that better?

JAMES
Being a Nazi.

TAYLOR
What?!

JAMES
Ya, if you are a perfect Nazi you’re a monster, if you’re a bad one you get trashed by your fellow Nazi’s. If you are just good you can get by and not be lambasted when the Allies knock down the fortress, so-to-speak.

TAYLOR
You have me there.

They finish their work. Most of the other teens are leaving the cornfield. James and Taylor follow.

JAMES
Like take this crop circle for instance...We’re doing our best with it, but it doesn’t have to be completely perfect...

TAYLOR
Are we going to be able to get a picture of this? Sorry to cut you off.

JAMES
No worries. I think we should wait for the news to cover it and then just make sure we get copies of their pictures online and such.

TAYLOR
Good thinking. Especially when they get a helicopter shot.

JAMES
Exactly.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Seven

2009-10-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

I've played this before, and no one ever wins.

[scrippet]

INT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Sitting in the bleachers are ELROY and JOSEPH. They are quibbling as they watch a LONE SWIMMER doing laps.

ELROY
Man or Woman?

JOSEPH
I think it’s a woman.

The swimmer comes up for air again.

JOSEPH
Wait. Man.

ELROY
It’s hard to tell with the swimming cap.

The swimmer breaks up for air again.

JOSEPH
Wait. Woman.

ELROY
Hold up. I think its getting out.

Pulling itself out of the pool is the swimmer. Elroy and Joseph are treated to a full body view. They share a look of shock.

JOSEPH
That did not help at all.

ELROY
This is very confusing.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

On the swim team in high school I would imagine this happening every time I dove into the pool.

[scrippet]
INT. SCHOOL SWIMMING POOL - EARLY MORNING

Only a few students are at the pool. They stretch and prepare themselves to begin their workouts.

Some of them wear a green swimming cap with a yellow tiger and school symbol on them.

DANA does her final stretches and prepares. She gets close to the edge of the pool.

The water is pristine and clear. It is absolutely frozen in time. Undisturbed.

Bending down and grabbing the edge, Dana performs a perfect DIVE into the pool.

The pool is not filled with water. It is completely 100% a gelatin-like substance. A solid.

Dana breaches the mass and penetrates deep into the solid goo. She immediately becomes panicked and struggles to get to the surface.

The other swimmers’ attention is immediately brought to the struggling girl.

One of the boys grabs the emergency staff and stretches it out to her. She grabs on and several teammembers pull her back in.

BOY ONE
What in the world?

DANA
Help me out!

GIRL ONE
What is this stuff?!

DANA
I don’t know.

Dana lies on the ground, several teammates lay towels on her.

Boy One reaches in and grabs a handful of the mess. He spreads it in his fingers.

BOY ONE
It feels a lot like jello.

BOY TWO
It’s definitely a gelatin of some kind. I wonder how it was able to cure so quickly.

GIRL TWO
Did someone go call the coach?

BOY ONE
I’ll go get him.

The boy runs holding the gelatin in his hand.

Everyone just stares at the open chasm that Dana’s dive had left in the mysterious gelatin.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Six

2009-10-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

This has one of my favorite insults I've ever written. It's kind of brilliant in context.

[scrippet]

EXT. DIGITAL LANDSCAPE - NIGHT

There isn’t much to see but a green grid stretching out in to the horizon; we are in the world of TRON.

A couple of MEN in cool light suits are in the midst of a heated debate. It looks like it’s about to break out in to a fight.

DARYLL
Take that back, you son of a glitch.

HANK
Over my offline avatar.

JOHN steps between the two, holding them back.

JOHN
Gentlemen, please. There’s only one real way to settle debates like this.

DARYLL
Light Cycles.

JOHN
No.

HANK
Disc battles?

JOHN
Something better.

CUT TO:

EXT. DIGITAL LANDSCAPE - LATER

Hank and Daryll are opposite each other, staring daggers. In front of each of them is a SET OF TURNTABLES and LARGE SPEAKERS.

JOHN
Rap battle.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Really just wanted to come up with silly names.

[scrippet]
INT. CONCERT VENUE - NIGHT

Several thousands of fans are standing, cheering, excited. They start to chant ‘play, play, play’ as loud as they can.

BACKSTAGE

Four guys dressed in futuristic outfits stand huddled.

They are the band PLAY - FATS, LURPEY, TWIGGER and MODE.

LURPEY
I think we should switch ‘Lady Get Your Finger Out of the Toaster’ to later in the first set.

MODE
If we do that, ‘Making Music is Like Making Love’ wouldn’t work with the tempo.

FATS
If we switched ‘Bro-man’ and ‘That Firework was a Dud’ it would mesh well.

MODE
True, but what about ‘Man It’s Good to be a Saxy Beast’?

TWIGGER
Push it to later, people really like that for the second encore anyway. Bigger crowd response.

LURPEY
Okay, I think that’s settled.

They all put their hands into a pile. On the count of three they break the pile and shout ‘Play!’

All four run out to their instruments. The crowd goes absolutely crazy.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Five

2009-10-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

If you were wondering Flash did in fact beat Superman in a race.

[scrippet]

INT. JUSTICE LEAGUE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Sitting around a large table that looks like it belongs in the war room is the JUSTICE LEAGUE. SUPERMAN, BATMAN, WONDER WOMAN, FLASH, GREEN LANTERN, and even AQUAMAN.

SUPERMAN
Thank you for coming today.

FLASH
(whispers to Aquaman)
Of course he’s leading the meeting.

Aquaman rolls his eyes knowingly.

SUPERMAN
You know I have supersonic hearing right?

Flash avoids eye contact.

GREEN LANTERN
I for one agree that there should be a more impartial and equal system of conducting business.

WONDERWOMAN
(scoffs)
Says the man who’s weakness is the color yellow.

GREEN LANTERN
Not cool.

SUPERMAN
Let’s get things back underway-- oh great. We lost Batman.

Batman’s seat is empty, with no sign of him in the room.

FLASH
We’d totally be done now if I were in charge.
(points to him self)
Super speed. I even beat red here once.

SUPERMAN
My cape creates air resistance.

Entering back in to the room is Batman. He looks annoyed.

BATMAN
I was kind of hoping you’d gotten to the meat of the matter. Still bickering?

Frustrated, Superman runs his hands through his hair.

SUPERMAN
You’re right. There is a super terror disturbance-- great. He’s gone again.

Sure enough, Batman has disappeared with out a trace.

SUPERMAN
I don’t even get how he does that.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Word on the street is that Superman can be kind of an A-hole sometimes.

[scrippet]
INT. KITCHEN - DAY

SUPERMAN sits at the breakfast table holding a newspaper. That’s right, Superman.
In the kitchen, LOIS is busily cooking a full-course meal.

JIMMY enters from the stairs and sits down. Lois enters quickly and sets a plate down in front of Superman, and then a plate in front of Jimmy.

JIMMY
Awww, runny eggs, yuck.

Superman lowers his paper and gives Jimmy ‘the look.’ Jimmy shrinks and picks up his fork.

Putting down his paper, Superman takes a look at his meal.

SUPERMAN
Lois.

LOIS
Yes honey?

SUPERMAN
This is not what I asked for.

LOIS
This is exactly how you like it honey, what can I do differently?

SUPERMAN
I don’t know, I just don’t like it. Make me another one.

LOIS
Right away.

Lois takes the plate and rushes into the kitchen.

JIMMY
I don’t want my eggs, can I send my eggs back?

SUPERMAN
You’re going to eat your eggs and you’re going to like it.

JIMMY
But you get to have another plate, why can’t I...

Superman SLAMS his fist on the table. The wood splinters like a crumbly cake. A large gouge has been left.

Jimmy is silent.

Lois hurries back in with a fresh plate. She sets it before Superman. He takes one look and --

USES HIS LASER EYES

The plate EXPLODES into a puff of smoke.

SUPERMAN
I’m going to work.

With that, he flies out of his seat and through the wall.

Jimmy and Lois sit there dumbfounded. A mess about them.

JIMMY
He’s kind of a douche.

LOIS
Don’t talk about your father that way.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Four

2009-10-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

I hate it when this happens.

[scrippet]

EXT. STARSCAPE - NIGHT

Clouds fill the atmosphere of a large RED PLANET sitting in the middle of a field of stars.

In comes flying a large phallic SPACESHIP. It looks like it’s out of a sci-fi serial.

SPACEMAN (V.O.)
Star date 2042-323. Captain’s log:

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

The SPACEMAN sits in his commander chair talking in to a sweet looking transcorder.

SPACEMAN
I remain the only surviving member aboard the S. S. DEEPSPACE.

He looks around the empty ship as he talks.

SPACEMAN
I’m making this recording in hopes of reaching someone to explain the difficulties we’ve had with some of our more difficult cargo. If you receive this message, please make sure to--

CLICK!

TRANSCORDER
(robot voice)
Transcorder full. Would you like to send this message?

The spaceman lets out a grumble and throws the transcorder in to the corner.

[/scrippet]

Based on real-life experiences. For the most part.

[scrippet]
EXT. SPACE - DARK

Floating through infinite space, a lone silver tube starship.

INSIDE

It is dark and cold. Tiny blinking lights notify of important instruments. Everything is clean and neat.

Floating through the zero gravity is LT. BECK. He is holding a large device up to his ear. He looks very bored.

A pleasant female voice is heard in robotic friendliness.

PHONE VOICE (O.S.)
To make a claim, say or press one.

LT. BECK
One.

PHONE VOICE (O.S.)
I’m sorry, what was that? To make a claim, say or press one.

LT. BECK
ONE!

PHONE VOICE (O.S.)
Thank you.

A clicking noise notifies that the phone is being transferred.

PHONE VOICE (O.S.)
We’re sorry, all lines are currently busy, please hang up and try again.

Lt. Beck throws the device, it floats peacefully across the deck of the ship. He becomes really upset, clinching his fist.

LT. BECK
Thirty eight minutes! Yaaargh!

COMMAND (O.S.)
Lt. Beck, this is command, you okay copy back.

LT. BECK
Yes, copy. Sorry.

COMMAND (O.S.)
What’s wrong?

LT. BECK
Stupid customer service. You can never talk to anyone in person. It’s all robotic. The whole system stinks!

COMMAND (O.S.)
Did you try hitting zero a bunch of times?

LT. BECK
Ya, doesn’t do anything.

COMMAND (O.S.)
I’m sorry man.
(pause)
Oh. Hold on.
(pause)
I gotta go. Sorry dude. Command out.

LT. BECK
Okay, talk to you later.

Lt. Beck takes a deep breath. He floats back over to the phone and picks it up. He dials again and waits.
[/scrippet]

James Alexander
After three years of intense study and quiet time, James was able to read everything ever written. Everything.

Because of his heightened speed of reading comprehension and access to every book ever written, James is now the most read person on the planet. Including other languages.
After this amazing feat, there wasn't much else that James wanted to do. He booked a trip on a cargo boat that was heading to the remote island of Tatsooie in French Polynesia.

Whilst taking wildlife photography aboard the starboard deck, a ferocious storm tossed the boat against a current and James was tossed overboard. Fortunately he was able to wash ashore on a deserted island where he single-handedly created a beachfront resort using a mere pair of nail clippers that were in his pocket.

Since beachfront property goes for so much nowadays, Brad Pitt showed up on the island and offered to pay a quarter of a million dollars for James' property. James declined in favor of a ride back to the States to take up a career in science-fiction inspired needlepoint.
He has yet to break into the needlepoint industry.

-Bio written by Eric

[scrippet]
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

FATHER (50) and MOTHER (45) sit on their hand stitched bed quilt. Father shows her a space painting [see photo].

MOTHER
I don’t know honey, he’s a lot more sensitive than his older brother.

FATHER
Yeah, you’re right. Even Danny hid his trophy after I used it and Barbie for our little 'talk.' Sam is going to need something more subtle, something real mature.

Mother nods without taking eyes of her knitting.

FATHER
I just really feel this photograph captures the essence of it all... in a family friendly, non-obtrusive way.

MOTHER
Darling, sex talks are never family friendly.

FATHER
I wasn’t prepared for the talk with Danny. I wasn’t memorized. I saw Molly’s doll and then there was the trophy...

Father shivers a little.

FATHER
...I never want to make that mistake again. This photo is innocent, like Sam...and he loves space. I need to be the mature one here.

MOTHER
Dear, why not just be clear about it and use the anatomically correct names for, well you know.

FATHER
Gross, no way.

FADE TO BLACK.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Three

2009-10-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Unrelated Batman comment: Batman is only as interesting as the villain he is fighting. Oh and he's crazy.

[scrippet]

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

Three HOODLUMS are bumming around. The alley around them is covered in GRAFFITI and EMPTY SPRAY PAINT CANS.

Sitting against one of the walls is SAMMY. He looks up in to the sky, contemplating.

SAMMY
What do we want to do next? We still got a space down the ways.

Sammy gives a nod down the alley at an open space on the building. AARON, a slim fellow in a beanie answers him.

AARON
It has to be something bad ass. No more unicorns Derek.

A shame filled DEREK blushes.

SAMMY
What about Batman?

AARON
(considering)
I hear you. The Bat.

DEREK
And Robin.

SAMMY
No Robin. Robin’s gay. That’s why they offed him.

DEREK
I thought he was cool.

AARON
Yeah, wasn’t Robin cool? There was a movie about it.

SAMMY
Batman and Robin. It was totally gay. There were bat nipples.

AARON
Heh. Nipples.

SAMMY
The films are a mixed bag. Why don’t we look to the source materials and the classics. Perhaps a striking frame inspired by Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight?

AARON
I like the Batman and Robin thing. Let’s go with that.

Sammy buries his face in his hands.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Me wantey.

[scrippet]
EXT. FREEWAY - DAY

Underneath the roaring freeway stands a man in a JOKER costume. He holds a can of spraypaint.

He approaches a nice clean wall. Complete empty cement canvas. The man begins to work.

MUCH LATER

The man is still at work. He is putting on the finishing touches. Several cans of spraypaint lie on the ground.

Behind the man approaches a COP CAR, it is approaching silently as to catch him in the act.

Two POLICEMEN exit the car and SLAM the doors.

The Joker artist turns around startled.

OFFICER ONE
Mind telling us what you think you’re doing son?

The Joker is silent.

OFFICER TWO
Cat got your tongue?

OFFICER ONE
That there is destruction of public property. You’re looking at three to five years buddy.

OFFICER TWO
What’s your name?

JOKER
The Joker.

OFFICER TWO
Ha, ha, ha. Really, what’s your name?

The Joker thinks, how is he going to get out of this one?

Suddenly - a rope descends from above. The Joker grabs a hold of it and is instantly pulled up.

The cops move to react. They grab for their weapons but are too late - the Joker has been lifted to freedom by an accomplice.

OFFICER ONE
What the...?

JOKER
Farewell flatfoots! Eee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

The officers fold their arms and look at the artwork that has been left behind --

A giant-sized portrait of Batman and Robin next to Arkham Asylum. Lettering at the bottom state: ‘Batman: Arkham Asylum - In Stores Now!’

OFFICER ONE
You play that yet?

OFFICER TWO
No, is it good?

OFFICER ONE
Sooo good.
[/scrippet]

Eighty Two

2009-10-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

I love the world that this is set in. I picture it as a mixture of traditional animation and stop motion.

[scrippet]

EXT. MEXICAN DREAMLAND - DAY

It’s apparent that this is a Mexican Fiesta taking place on some strange level of a crazy man’s consciousness.

Eating chips and salsa is a PINATA, loosely stitched and taped back together.

PINATA
Man I am hammered.

A sombrero wearing MAN made of felt and clay sits across from him drinking something blue out of a shoe.

MAN
They did a number on you. Are you ok?

PINATA
I think so.

MAN
Should you even be eating? Maybe we should get you back to the artist?

The pinata takes another bite and looks down. He is leaking a bit of salsa out of a hole in his leg.

PINATA
Yeah. Maybe you’re right. I just hate getting plastered up. It’s so sticky. Plus I always feel so stiff afterwards.

MAN
I’m sorry man. Worst I have to deal with is loose stitching.

The Pinata lets out a long sigh and sets down the chips. He winces as he stands up.

MAN
You need a ride? I just got my car back. New cardboard interior.

PINATA
Deal. Can we get ice cream on the way home?

MAN
(with a wink)
Only if we can have rainbows on it.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I think I actually did this sort of thing as a kid, but I also went out and played with other kids too. I'm pretty well-rounded I guess.

[scrippet]
INT. BLUE BEDROOM - NIGHT

CHANCE is all alone in his room. He is either too socially awkward from years of being made fun of, or he has an overactive imagination.

He sits at a desk with tiny paper mache and oragami puppets. He has created an entire world of his own devices.

Chance holds up different animals and acts out their drama.

CHANCE
(cow)
Hey there Mr. Bear, how about a hug today?

CHANCE
(bear)
Get away from me. I don’t like you.

CHANCE
(cow)
That’s no way to treat a friend, why don’t you sing with me-- ‘I love you, I love you, I looooo...’

Chance rips off the cow’s head with his other hand. He then mimicks the bear mauling the cow.

CHANCE
(cow)
That wasn’t very nice of you Mr. Bear.

CHANCE
(bear)
Stuff it.

FADE TO BLACK
[/scrippet]

Eighty One

2009-10-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is meant to be sarcastic. Not sure how to convey that in script format...

[scrippet]

EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - NIGHT

It’s after hours and no patrons are around. Everything is being shut off and taken down.
Pretty much all that is left are the CARNIES.

The SMALL MAN sits on the shoulders of the GIANT, walking through the grounds.

SMALL MAN
This is nice. I always like taking stuff down. Means we’re going somewhere new. Meet new people.

GIANT
I don’t know. Makes me kind of sad. We have to say goodbye to everyone. Tear up our roots and move on.

SMALL MAN
I’m just glad we’re getting out of Minnesota. What a bunch of freaks.

The giant looks up and can’t help but smile.

GIANT
It’s nice having you around.

SMALL MAN
You too. Means less walking for me.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Best. Day. Ever.

[scrippet]
EXT. MINNESOTA STATE FAIR - DAY

Coming from the TILT-A-WHIRL exit is young DAMON and his father JON. They don’t look too good.

DAMON
I think I’m going to throw up daddy.

JON
Me too son, me too.

Jon looks around for a bathroom, the closest one is several yards away.

JON
Can you make it to the bathroom?

DAMON
I’ll try.

They start walking slowly toward the bathroom. Damon stalls a few times when he thinks he’s going to throw up.

Along the way they pass a group of teenage GIRLS holding all sorts of greasy and sugary snacks.

On the other side of them is a ring toss game and a couple are laughing as they throw rings toward coke bottles.

Just beyond them is the entrance to a large Zipper thrill ride. The operator of the ring toss and the operator of the Zipper are discussing something.

Back to Damon and Jon, they have almost made it.

DAMON
Oh no dad...

Damon instantly lurches forward and begins retching.

Jon picks his son up and starts sprinting to the bathroom.

Unfortunately Damon can’t hold it in any longer and the spew begins to rocket forth onto the group of teenage girls.

The girls SCREAM and throw their food as they run away from the vomitous mass.

One of the girls tosses a corndog when it is dowsed in vomit.

The corndog flies towards the couple at the game. They toss all their rings and try and dodge the corndog.

One of the rings makes it onto a coke bottle. The attendant sees this and jumps up to attention.

He knocks over a large STUFFED BEAR that smacks down on the operating lever to the Zipper.

The Zipper gets thrown into hyper-drive, making everyone inside nauseous. They begin to throw up as well.

As the ride goes round and round, bits of sick go flying through the air.
[/scrippet]

Eighty

2009-10-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

Polygon

This has happened to me. Everyone probably.

[scrippet]

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE - NIGHT

Sitting alone is ROGER, a frumpy middle aged man in a business suit. The other cubicles are empty and the lights are dim.

His computer is an APPLE II PLUS, boxy with a green text on black.

VOICE (O.S.)
How’s it coming?

Roger looks to the phone. The intercom light is blinking.

ROGER
Pretty good. It’s at about 15 polygons. I’m pretty sure we can still fit it on a floppy.

VOICE (O.S.)
That’s fantastic. Is it shaping up ok?

ROGER
Yeah. I’m about 13 hours in, but I think I’ll have it done before the night is over.

Roger picks up a FLOPPY DISK and inserts it in to the computer. He begins to whistle the music to TRON as he types.

He begins to type:

‘SAVE FIL--’

BJEWWWWW! The power to the entire building shuts down, taking the computer down with it.

Roger starts to shake. A single tear runs down his cheek.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Kind of abstract, but still enjoyable to write.

[scrippet]
EXT. GRAPHICAL PLANE - ETERNITY

A graphical grid descends from nothingness. Several axis are brought into their respective places - x axis, y axis, z axis.

RHOMBUS wearing a handsome hat and mustache enters from the void, he organizes a few grids to make a couch.

Following behind is PENTAGON, he seems a bit sluggish and old. He struggles to find a place to sit.

RHOMBUS
Gonna make it there fella?

PENTAGON
I got it. Don’t be cute.

Rhombus chuckles to himself.

A very large polygon enters, it’s OCTAGON. Without saying a word, he helps Pentagon form a chair, then he forms his own.

PENTAGON
I could have done it.

Pentagon sits contentedly.

PENTAGON
Thank you.

Everyone sits quietly waiting.

RHOMBUS
Where’s triangle and Square?

OCTAGON
I heard they were finishing up at the plane.

PENTAGON
Completely rude those two. Always making us wait...

RHOMBUS
Nevermind them, I think we should start.

Rhombus stands. Octagon shoots up as well. Pentagon takes his time, but eventually gets there.

EVERYONE
(in unison)
I am a Polygon, that is my life. Whatever happens next is not my fault, it is because of what I am.
[/scrippet]

Seventy Nine

2009-10-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

This photo is actually my sister, and it is actually Chilean Independence Day. That being said, though the character shares a name and physical description it is in no way her. She's actually on a mission there. From God.

[scrippet]

EXT. CHILEAN STREET - DAY

Hundreds fill the streets, dressed in gaudy traditional Chilean garb; a band plays in the distance.

It’s the Fiestas Patrias (Chilean Independence Day)!

In the middle of the celebration is RACHEL, a young girl, who is not only white, but red headed. She sticks out like a sore thumb.

She is kneeling next to DIEGO, a MIDGET in a pancho and sombrero.

All of the dialogue is in SPANISH, with bold yellow subtitles beneath.

RACHEL
Oh Diego, what fun we are having. Will you give me the honor of a dance?

Diego looks down, scuffing his tiny boot back and forth.

RACHEL
What is it Diego? Aren’t you enjoying all this?

DIEGO
Yes.

RACHEL
And don’t you like me?

DIEGO
Yes.

RACHEL
Why won’t you dance?

Diego looks up at her, tears welling in his eyes.

DIEGO
I... I don’t know how to dance.

Rachel’s concern turns in to a smile.

RACHEL
I know just the thing.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHILEAN STREET - LATER

The crowd cheers as incredibly loud HIP HOP has taken over for the more traditional band.

They are spread out in to a circle, with Rachel in the middle. She is BREAKDANCING.

RACHEL
(spinning on her head)
See?

Diego is on the sidelines watching in awe.

Rachel lands and poses, before hopping up and motioning for Diego.

RACHEL
Like we planned.

Diego comes running full speed. Rachel clasps her hands together and braces herself. Diego jumps, wedging his foot in to her hands.

She is able to throw his light frame unusually high. Diego BACKFLIPS repeatedly before landing on his feet.

He crosses his arms and flashes a peace sign. The crowd goes WILD.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This is just naturally where this inspiration took me.

[scrippet]
INT. VISITOR’S CENTER - SOUTH AMERICA - DAY

An American WOMAN wearing a dress smiles along with a small native CHILD in full mariachi outfit.

FLASH FLASH

A camera goes off.

WOMAN
Thank you!

The MAN who took the picture hands the camera back.

CHILD
(spanish)
That will be $30.

WOMAN
Excuse me?

CHILD
Thirty dollar.

WOMAN
For what?

CHILD
The pictures.

WOMAN
That’s ridiculous, I’m not paying that!

CHILD
Okay ten.

The woman digs in her purse and gives him two dollars.

He SNAGS it and runs away.
[/scrippet]

Polygon

Seventy Eight

2009-10-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

Warning! Corny and entirely inappropriate introduction joke approaching: 'Does this count as kitty porn?'

[scrippet]

INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY

Books are stacked on end, with papers cluttered about.

In the midst of it all sits, TIGER, an orange and white TABBY CAT. She is typing on the computer, specifically in to a chat window.

‘TIGER: Sup sexy?’

BLOOP! A new message comes in from a MAX.

‘MAX: Hey babe. how r u?’

‘TIGER: so good. i missed you.’

‘MAX: i had an idea. a sexy idea.’

Tiger gives a smile, licks her paw, and runs it across the fur on her face.

‘TIGER: What is it?’

‘MAX: I thought we could try 2 webcam.’

Tiger doesn’t know what to type. After a moment, her paws hit the keyboard again.

‘TIGER: Im not sure.’

‘MAX: come on. Lets do it... spice things up.’

‘TIGER: fine ;)’

Tiger reaches up and flips a switch. Max must’ve done the same, because live video stream pops up, giving us our first look at Max: he’s a golden retriever.

Tiger’s eyes widen, realizing his mistake.

TIGER
Oh my god. You’ve got to be shi--

She’s interrupted by violently leaning over and throwing up in to the trash can.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Based on a true story of cats that we saw at the Disneyland Park.

[scrippet]
EXT. DISNEYLAND - DAY

Through the gates and past the tram roadways, a lone FERRELL CAT runs in and through the thick brush.

It stops for a moment and notices some movement. It sulks, waits, ready to pounce.

It’s only ANOTHER CAT. The first cat eases up its tension.

SNOWBALL
Oh good, Mr. Mittens it’s just you.

MR. MITTENS
Hey there Snowball.

SNOWBALL
I thought you were a catch, got my heart racing.

MR. MITTENS
Nope, no mouse here, just old me.

Snowball and Mr. Mittens start to walk down the path together. They come upon a small cat-sized door that leads into the back portion of the park.

SNOWBALL
You hear Fancy Freddy got a promotion?

MR. MITTENS
Ya, can you believe it?

SNOWBALL
No I can’t, that guys a total stuck up mouse-eater.

MR. MITTENS
Totally know what you mean.

They come to a small punchclock. They take punchcards and punch-out from work for lunch.

SNOWBALL
I never really got this place anyway. Thinking about quitting...

MR. MITTENS
What don’t you get?

SNOWBALL
Well I mean the main attraction of this place is some tall mouse with red trousers, and yet here we are getting paid to keep REAL mice out of here. Totally incongruous.

MR. MITTENS
I get what your saying...oh well though right? It’s just a paycheck.

SNOWBALL
Ya I guess.

They head of to the employee cafeteria to beg for scraps.
[/scrippet]

Seventy Seven

2009-10-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

Stolen from my friend Tatiana's Facebook photos.

I think this happened to a friend of a friend.

[scrippet]

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Standing behind the kitchen counter is MARTIN, a 34 man dressed only in a bathrobe. His hair is tussled as though he just awoke.

He is prepping omelets; several ingredients line the counter. There are EGGS, an ONION, CHEESE, and a GREEN PEPPER.

Martin lets out a yawn and begins to slice the onion, mincing it to bits.

He pushes the onions off to the side and grabs the pepper, setting in the middle of the cutting board.

SNICKT! The knife goes through, cutting it in half.

He goes to pick up a half and make another incision, but is interrupted by a shrill SCREAM!

There’s a moment’s pause before Martin picks up the pepper, and turning it over. On the other side is a CRAZY MAD SCARY FACE carved out on the interior of the pepper.

MARTIN
Oh my god.

To his surprise the pepper responds, it’s little mouth jabbering about.

PEPPER
Not nice to take the lord’s name in vain.

MARTIN
You can talk.

PEPPER
It’s one of the commandments you know.

Martin clutches the knife and staggers back. The pepper’s eyes the knife and then looks back to Martin.

PEPPER
Uh... so is killing you know.

A crazed look enters Martin’s eyes. He approaches slowly, knife still in hand.

PEPPER
It’s the sixth commandment. The killing thing.

Closer still.

PEPPER (CONT’D)
Oh for the love of god--

Martin smiles. He’s caught him.

MARTIN
Ah!

The pepper smiles as well, realizing his mistake.

PEPPER
Oh. Ha. I get it. The lord’s name thing... commandment. Yeah... I botched that.

The two break up laughing.

SLASH! Martin brings the knife down hard on the pepper, bashing it to bits. Another scream of agony rings out from the pepper.

MARTIN
God, I’m starving.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Halloween!!!

[scrippet]
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

The very pregnant MOM is preparing some utensils. She takes out a pumpkin carving kit and a few bowls.

Soon the three CHILDREN come to crowd around the counter. They sit and stand on the barstools to get a good look.

MOM
Okay, is everyone ready?

KIDS
Ya!

MOM
Perfect! We’re going to be preparing for Halloween tonight.

KID ONE
What is it we’re doing?

KID TWO
Are we making costumes?

MOM
No, that’s next week.

KID THREE
Are we carving pumpkins?

MOM
Close...

KID TWO
Carving little pumpkins?

MOM
No...

Mom reaches below the counter and pulls out a large bowl of VEGETABLES. Especially green peppers.

MOM
We’re going to be carving Jack-O-Lanterns from these!

The kids are silent. They stare at the veggies in confusion.

KID ONE
Why?

Mom shrugs her shoulders. Kid Two starts picking out a pepper. Kid Three hops down from the counter and walks away.

[/scrippet]

Our guest writer today is: Kim Chapman
After a great birth and pretty average childhood, Kim found that her friends and colleagues in the small town that she lived were beginning to act very strange. Fewer and fewer were going to see the Saturday night movie at the local movie house, the cashiers and baggers at the grocery store were becoming less helpful, and the overall demeanor of the town had shifted into an eerie depressing mood. Then Kim had a very shocking and disappointing conclusion -- everyone in her town had turned into zombies.

The rest of her story gets a bit hazy - yours would be difficult to explain if you had to single-handedly brain and destroy hundreds of your friends and neighbors that had turned to zombies. Luckily, she was able to find an open hardware store before things got too hairy. With her trusty shotgun "Mabel" and a handy collapsible shovel, Kim was able to defend herself until she could find a way out of town with her wonderful cat (who had been hiding under the porch the entire time).

[scrippet]
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

A woman and her daughter sit at a kitchen table in a small kitchen. The room is cluttered and clearly poverty stricken.

DAUGHTER
It’s Halloween tonight. You promised we’d carve pumpkins.

The look on the mother’s face makes it obvious that she has forgotten about this promise.

MOTHER
Of course we will. There’s still plenty of time.

DAUGHTER
Tonight?

The mother gets up and starts to rummage through the kitchen cupboards while the daughter watches. On the counter the mother arranges a squash and a large bell pepper.

MOTHER
Take your pick.

DAUGHTER
These aren’t pumpkins.

The mother ignores this and pulls out two carving knives.

MOTHER
I’ll take the squash then.

DAUGHTER
Won’t it make me cry?

MOTHER
That’s onions, dear.

Reluctantly the daughter picks up the bell pepper and the knife and they begin to carve their vegetables. They playfully flick pieces at each other and the daughter perks up considerably as they work.

DAUGHTER
Your squash looks sad.

MOTHER
Yours looks like it’s about to devour my soul

DAUGHTER
Something like that.

[/scrippet]

Seventy Six

2009-10-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Possibly the worst thing I've ever written.

[scrippet]

INT. PHOTO STUDIO - DAY

Three WOMEN pose for the camera, wearing strange blue outfits like they’re part of a cult. They all are biting off of the same candy bar.

FLASH! A snapshots taken.

PHOTOGRAPHER (O.S.)
Great! Thanks ladies.

The CREW begins to take down lights and tearing down the set.

The tallest of the women approaches the PHOTOGRAPHER, and pulls him aside.

TALL WOMAN
Hey, um... That’s it?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Yeah. We got everything we needed.

TALL WOMAN
You had us dress up in those ridiculous outfits as a joke.

PHOTOGRAPHER
I see what you’re saying...

TALL WOMAN
Yeah. You said it was just to warm up.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Right. It certainly started that way, but things just worked out so nicely.

The woman is getting even more frustrated.

TALL WOMAN
So that’s it?

Before the photographer can answer --

BANG! A gunshot rings out of nowhere! Wip pan to:

THE KILLER

Holding the smoking pistol.

KILLER
Take that you hack!

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

A short series of portraits with words.

[scrippet]
INT. PHOTOBOOTH - DAY
A plain gray background and small stool. Dark curtains along the opening to the side.

JUMP CUT TO --

A young COUPLE are inside. FLASHES go off as they kiss and make silly faces. They leave.

JUMP TO --

Five young BOYS are climbing over the stool, and each other. They make goofy grins and silly hand gestures as it FLASHES.

JUMP TO --

Three young teen GIRLS wearing half-burkas sit and crouch for the camera. They eat chocolate as the FLASHES form over them.

JUMP TO --

A lonely MAN sits with good posture. He does not make a face, nor move the entire time. Glasses off for the last FLASH.

JUMP TO --

A FAMILY of four. They sit Christmas-card style in the tiny booth. The father reprimands the youngest for moving too much. They all smile for the FLASHING.

JUMP TO --

A young MAN sits with his face buried in hands. He is slightly balding on top - which is all that is caught with the FLASHES. A tall WOMAN pulls the curtain, he looks up at her. She holds out her hand, he takes it.

JUMP TO --

An ELDERLY couple are seated by a middle aged woman. The couple look tired but act the part as they try and find the spot to look. The woman points to the camera as FLASHES blind them. They blink and rub their eyes when - it FLASHES again.

JUMP TO --

A lonely WOMAN sits with good posture. She puts her hair up in a ponytail and adjusts her glasses. She has makeup on her collar. She gives a weak smile for the final FLASH.

JUMP TO --

An empty booth.
[/scrippet]

Stolen from my friend Tatiana's Facebook photos.

Seventy Five

2009-10-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Somewhat inspired by that one part in The Darjeeling Limited. Brilliant.

[scrippet]

INT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

The station is very modern chique, with visible rafters holding up the arched roof.

For the most part, the place is empty. ROCKO and SANDRA are exceptions to this.

ROCKO
This place is nice.

SANDRA
We’re lost.

ROCKO
Lost is relative.

SANDRA
We are lost.

ROCKO
How can we be lost? We took a train. They’re stuck on rails -- they can only go two directions.

SANDRA
This isn’t where we’re supposed to be. Ergo, lost.

Rocko lets out a long frustrated breath.

ROCKO
We can ask directions?

Sandra gives a nod. Rocko leads the way to a TICKET SALESMAN.

ROCKO
Excuse me...
(points to a map)
We’re trying to get here.

SALESMAN
(chuckles)
Oh. You’re totally lost.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Took it slow today. Hope you don't mind. I really like the peacefulness of this scene. There's a lot of symbolism in it but I don't feel like sharing.

[scrippet]
INT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

There is a calm buzz of passengers heading in and out of the main station. Beautiful open-air buttresses with cathedral-style columns filter in light.

Sitting beneath and gazing into its beauty is FRANCIS (24) he is folding a piece of paper in his hand.

Next to him is a very tired, but still beautiful MAUREEN (26). Her hair is tied up in a cute pony-tail bun. She vies for a comfortable position on her seat.

FRANCIS
Isn’t it beautiful?

MAUREEN
(still sleeping)
What is?

FRANCIS
This place. It’s magical.

Maureen squeezes Francis tightly. She settles on his shoulder.

FRANCIS
I honestly don’t care if the train comes at all.

MAUREEN
It would be nice, but we have to be there by three.

FRANCIS
I know. Just wishful thinking.

A flock of sparrows flutter into the station and perch upon a landing.

FRANCIS
What do you think the architect was thinking when he created this?

Maureen concentrates on sleeping.

FRANCIS
So beautiful...

The faint noise of the train approaching starts to grow.

Disappointed, but resigned to the fact Francis nudges Maureen awake. She fixes her hair and rubs her eyes. They gather their bags.
[/scrippet]

Seventy Four

2009-10-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

I'm going to admit that I've never played a Final Fantasy game really. Not all the way through at least. Don't hold it against me.

[scrippet]

INT. HIGHSCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Walking through a hallway of average TEENAGERS, is STRIKER, an Asian-American with extremely large spikey hair and gothy clothes.

He pushes through the crowd, but all of a sudden --

WOOSH! Everything spins around as DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS. When everything comes back in to focus, it’s all shot from the side like a

SIDESCROLLER

Standing on the left is Striker, bouncing back and forth ready to fight.

On the right is ENEMY 01, a geeky looking kid with his backpack pulled up tight.

Enemy 01 takes the first strike, jumping in to action. A small word bubble pops up that reads ‘POP QUIZ’ and he throws several text books at Striker.

As each book hits, word bubbles pop above Striker’s head reading ‘-15 HP’. He recoils, but regains composure, going back in to his fighting stance.

It’s Striker’s turn. He uses the attack ‘RISING DRAGON’, as indicated by the word bubble above his head.

The background WOOSHES away as Striker jumps in to the air. In fact he jumps so high, he’s now

IN OUTERSPACE

Looking down at Earth. He takes his hands and begins to charge up an ENERGY BALL.

He THROWS DOWN. The energy ball goes sailing back down in to

THE SCHOOL HALLWAY

Enemy 01 is INCINERATED.

Striker falls back in to view. VICTORY MUSIC begins to play and Striker does a VICTORY DANCE.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This is not in jest. I happened to be a lot like these guys for a long time (I still am in some ways, just less trans fats). Hopefully they will grow out of it.

[scrippet]
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Cluttered with mounds of junk food wrappers, flat sodas, pizza boxes and half-eaten pieces of candy.

At the desks are SIMON and HARRY. They are glued to their computer screens.

The door opens at the top of the stairs letting in a bit of light, both squint annoyed at the intrusion.

Down the stairs clambers MICHAEL, he has an unopened courier box underneath his arm and a gigantic smile on his face.

MICHAEL
Guys, guys, guys.

They don’t reply, nothing could pry them from their quests.

MICHAEL
Dudes!

SIMON
What?!

MICHAEL
Guess what finally got?!

HARRY
A girlfriend?

Simon and Harry laugh, Michael rolls his eyes.

MICHAEL
No dude! I just got the new role playing DISGAEA!

THIS gets their attention. They leave their screens and crowd around Michael who is now sitting on a nearby couch.

Michael brushes aside a few wrappers and sets the box on the coffee table. Everyone crouches in.

The box is opened with precision.

Soon the packing peanuts are flying every which way.

Michael pulls out a nicely sized game box. He lifts it up in triumph -- only to have his demeanor fall to shock.

Harry can’t help but laugh, Simon is in shock along with Michael. He holds in his hand --

A Copy of SIM CITY 4.
[/scrippet]

Seventy Three

2009-10-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

From Found Magazine

This is pretty much what happened when I tried to read through the script on that image.

[scrippet]

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY

Behind the desk is MR. WHIPPLE, principle.

Across from him is ROY, an incredibly guilty looking 9 year old.

MR. WHIPPLE
Says here...
(reading)
Something about ‘butt checks’?

Mr. Whipple looks over his glasses at Roy, confused.

MR. WHIPPLE
Were you writing butt checks? Perhaps trying to cash them?

ROY
(snickers)
What?

MR. WHIPPLE
Or is it like you were checking people’s butts? Like making sure they were up to snuff? Checking them out?

Roy holds back laughter.

ROY
I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

Mr. Whipple lets out a sigh and then picks up the phone.

MR. WHIPPLE
Yes, Miss White? I’m here with Roy, and I received your note. What did you mean by butt checks?

Muffled sounds come through the phone; Mr. Whipple starts to nod.

MR. WHIPPLE
Ah. Right. Cheeks. Thank you.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I enjoy the classroom dynamic, especially in adolescent stories. Calvin & Hobbes was the premier example of the way school comedy should go.

[scrippet]
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The class is full of eager young fourth graders, all attentive and excited to learn.

All except of course for TOMMY, who sits in the back playing with miniature dragon figurines.

MRS. PLOMPKIN stands at the chalkboard, she is instructing the class about long division.

She carries the five and turns to inspect the classes attention. She notices young Tommy in the back.

MRS. PLOMPKIN
Tommy? Do you know what the final numeral is?

Tommy looks around in a panic, he has no idea what the answer is.

TOMMY
(low)
Butt cheeks.

MRS. PLOMPKIN
I’m sorry?

TOMMY
Butt cheeks!

The class ERUPTS in laughter.

Mrs. Plompkin gives the class a look, they die down their laughter and sit at attention.

MRS. PLOMPKIN
Tommy that’s not a very nice thing to say.

TOMMY
Butt cheeks, poopoo face!

MRS. PLOMPKIN
That is strike two Tommy. One more and you will be sent to the Principal’s office.

The class Oooh’s this threat.

Tommy looks around for an ally.

TOMMY
Butt cheeks, poopoo face, farthead!

MRS. PLOMPKIN
That’s it! To the principal’s office young man.

Tommy gets up from the desk and walks to the door with his head lowered in shame.

Taunts and jeers come from the class. Mrs. Plompkin is livid.
[/scrippet]

Seventy Two

2009-10-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

Not a direct interpretation of the painting, but more the vibe the painting gave.

[scrippet]

INT. ARTIST STUDIO - DAY

The place looks like it's out of a Salvador Dali painting. There is a large melting head in the center of the room, being propped up by several wooden crutches, and an egg the size of fridge sits in the corner with a large crack in it. Even the clock on the wall is melting right off.

Standing in the middle of it is an ARTIST, holding a paintbrush and wearing an apron. He looks confused.

ARTIST
This is weird.

To his surprise, there's a response.

VOICE (O.S.)
That's right.

ARTIST
Who said that?

VOICE (O.S.)
Me.

The artist looks around, and then steps over the head to look out the window. There is a large BUTTERFLY wearing a top hat.

BUTTERFLY
Surprised to see me?

ARTIST
I guess. Is this a dream.

BUTTERFLY
I don't know. Why don't you ask your mustache?

ARTIST
But I don't have a--

He looks in a nearby mirror and is now sporting a large mustache that wasn't there moments ago.

ARTIST
Mustache?

MUSTACHE
Yeah. You're probably dreaming.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I enjoyed writing this, almost wanted to go over a page but I spared you all the long read.

[scrippet]
INT. APARTMENT ART STUDIO - DAY

Concentrating deeply in his canvas is the brilliant artist CAVAN. Even though his paintings can fetch up to a million dollars per, he has had a serious mindblock for over a year.

His girlfriend NANCY is parading around the apartment wearing almost nothing at all. She is not gathering the attention she would like.

NANCY
How are you doing?

Cavan doesn’t respond. He is furiously mixing paint.

NANCY
Honey?

She places her hand on his shoulder.

He EXPLODES at her, knocking away her hand.

CAVAN
Just give me a second!

Frightened by his outburst, Nancy leaves in a huff. She sits on the couch and turns on the TV.

CAVAN
(to himself)
Must paint...

He puts brush to canvas, his determination and concentration are maxed out. He furiously paints.

IN THE OTHER ROOM

Nancy is quietly furious, she flips through the channels - settling on a reality show.

In the corner, a small grey MASS begins to grow.

AT THE PAINTING

The same solid mass is forming with Cavan’s painting. He starts to form the paint into ferocious jaws.

WITH NANCY

The jaws begin to form from the mass. It is staring, seething, wanting toward the unsuspecting Nancy.

CAVAN PAINTS
Now a body is being formed, it is gargantuan and frightening.

Cavan is possessed by his sudden burst of creativity.

All at once, a piercing BLOODY SCREAM is heard from Nancy.

Cavan is shocked out of his trance. He runs to investigate...
[/scrippet]

Seventy One

2009-10-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

This is kind of what I see happening. Awkwardness. Complete awkwardness.

[scrippet]

INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

In the booth, ready to record is TED, a TIKI GOD. He's dressed like a tourist in Hawaii, with an over sized stone head that looks like it belongs on Easter Island.

TED
All right can you play that last part back?

Hands on his headphones, he listens to playback, bobbing his enormous head.

TED
That's good. Can we get some more cowbell? Naw, I'm just playing.

There is no real response.

TED
Like in that Saturday Night Live Sketch
(best Walken impression)
I've got a fever. And the only prescription, is more cowbell.

More dead silence.

TED
(chuckling to himself)
Seriously, though. Cowbell's great where it's at.

Ted looks through the window in the booth at the RECORDING SPECIALIST. He's nodding like he's heard it a million times.

Ted gets serious for a minute.

TED
I'm paying you five hundred dollars an hour.

The recording specialists forces a smile, but it looks more like a grimace.

TED
(laughing again)
Naw, you're fine. Let's take it from the top.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This is more of a drama, but I really like the dynamics of bands. I would love to hang out with one sometime.

[scrippet]
INT. CLUB - NIGHT

Several instruments lie unplayed on the stage. It is smokey and dark. The place is packed, people talk and drink and look up to the stage every now and then.

BACKSTAGE

Three members of the BAND are sitting in a small dressing room. The DRUMMER taps on his thigh with his drumsticks.

The GUITARIST lies on the couch half-asleep.

Pacing around the room is the ever antsy BASSIST.

BASSIST
(British accent)
Where is he? Where the bloody ‘ell is he?

GUITARIST
(sleepily)
Calm down. He’ll be here.

The Bassist sits on a chair, his leg continues his nervousness by bouncing up and down.

DRUMMER
I heard he stayed at Stacey’s all night last night.

GUITARIST
You text him?

DRUMMER
Nah. I was passed out all night.

GUITARIST
Where’d you here that he was at Stacey’s?

BASSIST
(interrupting)
He’s gonna right bugger up this whole gig for all of us.

GUITARIST
Chill! He does this all the time.

BASSIST
I can’t ‘chill,’ he drives me bonkers with his constant partying and lateness. I can’t stand it.

JUST THEN - Through the door comes the SINGER. He’s got a girl under each arm and he’s rocking the dark shades.

SINGER
What’d I miss?

BASSIST
You missed a bloody great gig. I don’t work like this.

The Bassist heads out the door in a huff.

SINGER
What’s his problem man?

GUITARIST
Don’t worry about it. You ready?

SINGER
Let’s rock and roll!

The band gets ready and heads out the door.
[/scrippet]

Seventy

2009-10-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

This takes place a couple of moments after the photo was taken.

[scrippet]

EXT. DIRT ROAD - AFRICA - DAY

An AFRICAN and his HIPPO sit on the side of the road, incredibly out of breath. Thy pant as they talk to one another-- yes, he’s a talking hippo.

HIPPO
Did you see their faces?

The African cracks a smile.

HIPPO
They totally thought I was going to trample you like some common grade beast.

AFRICAN
Nearly had me convinced.

They share a laugh.

HIPPO
How much did you make?

AFRICAN
50. I think we can make up another 25, with another attack.

Finally catching their breaths, the Hippo takes the conversation to a more serious tone.

HIPPO
Can I ask you something?

AFRICAN
Of course, anything.

HIPPO
Are you happy doing what we’re doing?

AFRICAN
(joking)
Hippo insurance isn’t going to sell itself.

HIPPO
I’m serious. We’re nothing but a couple of grifters.

AFRICAN
I prefer con artist.

HIPPO
I just feel like there’s more to life.

AFRICAN
So we swindle a couple of rubes, with a prejudice against hippos. You used to love that.

HIPPO
Yeah. I just don’t know. I really don’t know.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I think the only clever thing in my script today are the names.

[scrippet]
EXT. AFRICA - DAY

Gathered in a huddle are MWEMBE, MODOKO and NEESA.

These three hooligans are definitely up to no good.

MWEMBE
Just fold it over.

NEESA
Like this?

MWEMBE
Ya, like that.

MODOKO
No, you have to fold it in first.

NEESA
Okay, I think I got it.

The huddle breaks up. Neesa is holding a large folded up leaf. On one end, a long stem has been affixed.

Mwembe runs off past the brush, he returns shortly holding a flaming branch.

MWEMBE
Quick, quick, light it.

Neesa lights the ‘wick.’ They all stare as it flutters, then begins to spark and fade into the leaf.

MODOKO
THROW IT!

Neesa waits a short beat, then THROWS the package into a large bush.

AN EXPLOSION!

A sudden ROAR comes from behind the bush.

The three hooligans look at each other in shock.

A giant and pissed off HIPPOPOTAMUS comes running out from the bush. Half of his buttox has been charred by the explosion.

All three young men run away at top speed.
[/scrippet]

Sixty Nine

2009-10-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

This is odd, and mostly irrelevant to the image.

[scrippet]

EXT. STREET - DAY

A tiny rundown street is completely FLOODED with brown river water.

Several PEOPLE are stuck on their roofs while other less fortunates cling on to building sides, as to not get pulled away by the current.

Through the midst of it all is a couple canoeing: ALEC and JANINE.

Janine is creating quite a ruccus, while Alec tries to pretend like he’s not with her.

JANINE
Ahoy there gov’na! Top of the morning to ya.

ALEC
Stop that.

JANINE
Poppycock! We Britishers are here to save you.

ALEC
That’s ridiculous. They’re called Englishmen--

JANINE
Or women.

ALEC
How about just English. That accent is horrible.

JANINE
Poppycock!

ALEC
You know like three words in British slang.

JANINE
Big Ben.

Alec buries his face in his hands and exhales deeply as they continue through the town.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Hahaha!

[scrippet]
EXT. STREET - DAY

The entire street is flooded with murky brown water.

Holding on for dear life is young SAM. He is submerged to his chin in the disgusting deluge.

A small ROWBOAT carrying several survivors passes by.

Near the front, a TALL MAN is steering with a paddle.

TALL MAN
Get in!

SAM
No...I’m good.

TALL MAN
What are you talking about, get in the boat.

SAM
No really, I’m fine.

The wind GUSTS and knocks the boat into a streetlamp. The passengers are tossed around like dolls. The Tall Man regroups.

TALL MAN
Last chance...

SAM
You guys go ahead, I’ll catch the next one.

TALL MAN
Suit yourself!

He steers the rowboat down the flooded street. The group disappears as they turn a corner.
Sam takes one last look to make sure no one is there.

He lets go of the bars he was holding.

SUDDENLY -- VIN a similar aged young man comes bursting out of the water. Vin is holding a few stereos and other various electronics.

VIN
What the hell?

SAM
Sorry. Coast wasn’t clear.
[/scrippet]

Sixty Eight

2009-09-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

Lame.

[scrippet]

EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY

A couple of STONERS sit around a small campfire laughing and eating Doritos.

They are HIGH.

STONER
Dude, check this.

The stoner takes a few Doritos and crumbles up a trail leading to him.

A chipmunk soon begins to munch on down, following the trail. The promise of more food helps it to ignore the chuckling amongst the crowd.

Eventually, the chipmunk is eating the last chip.

The same stoner takes out his pipe and lights it up. He places a few Dorito crumbs at the mouthpiece and presents it to the chipmunk.

The chipmunk approaches cautiously and puts his mouth to the pipe.

WOOSH! The chipmunk steps back coughing. It stumbles about, tripping over twigs.

STONER
Nice.

The chipmunk lazily makes his way out of the circle.

FADE TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT

The stoners are still there, though there bag of Doritos is empty and a few of them are asleep.
SQUEAK! They’re attention is grabbed to see their friend the chipmunk is back. Behind him is THIRTY OTHER CHIPMUNKS waiting for their hit.

STONER
Oh, bugger, brought his friends did he? I knew we shouldn't have given 'im a freebie.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I so didn't want to use this as an inspiration, but as I was perusing a lame website this was the only thing that reached out and slapped me in the eyeballs.

[scrippet]
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

In the distance a group of YOUTHS are sitting beside a fire. They are drinking and laughing.

CHUCK, a small chipmunk peers over a log to try and catch a glance at the partiers.

From behind a bush comes WYLE, a similar-looking chipmunk.

WYLE
(whispers)
What are you doing?

CHUCK
Trying to get a good look.

WYLE
Get away from there, you don’t want to get caught do you?

CHUCK
I want to see what they’re doing.

WYLE
You don’t want to get mixed up with their sort, they’re a bad influence.

CHUCK
I know what I’m doing.

And with that, Chuck jumps the log and gets closer.

STONER YOUTH
Woah! Look at that chipmunk, man.

The youth laugh and look.

HIPPIE YOUTH
Check this out dude.

The Hippie takes out a smoke pipe and lights it. He holds the pipe out to the young chipmunk.

Chuck looks at it curiously, then approaches. He begins to smoke it. The youths chant him on ‘chip-munk, chip-munk!’

Watching in the cold of the forest is Wyle.

WYLE (V.O.)
That was the last time I saw my friend. He got swept into the drug scene and soon was hitting the harder stuff. A few years later he tried to quit, even went to rehab. But he just couldn’t knock the habit. He OD’d on some hard stuff and passed away soon after.

A lone tear forms in Wyle’s eyes.
[/scrippet]

Sixty Seven

2009-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

"Individuals and firms that violate the terms and guidelines of this Contract Worker's Bill of Rights may be practicing fraud, indentured servitude, theft and misuse of proprietary information, copyright violation, and other activities specifically prohibited by law. Individuals and firms that carry out illegal activities, or cause material harm to the contractor, or otherwise hurt the contractor's ability to obtain gainful work may be subject to legal prosecution and civil remedies to the full extent permitted by the law, including substantial punitive damages, court costs, and attorney's fees."

I know nothing about the law. This is legal, right?

[scrippet]

INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

A single bulb flickers, dangling above DARREN (28), who is tied to a wooden chair.

There is a CLICK. A lighter flashes in the black.

The subtle orange glow of a cigarette end is barely visible. The owner’s voice speaks up.

VOICE
Individuals and firms that violate the terms and guidelines of this Contract Worker's Bill of Rights may be practicing fraud, indentured servitude, theft and misuse of proprietary information, copyright violation, and other activities specifically prohibited by law.

Out of the darkness steps the man behind the voice: our VILLAIN. He’s a gangster type of guy, with a scarred up face.

He’s holding a law book in his hand, that he was presumably just reading from.

VILLAIN
That’s one hell of a sentence isn’t it?

He snaps his book shut.

DARREN
What--what is this?

SMACK. Our villain hits him across the face with the book.

VILLAIN
You have the right to remain silent. You know, you're about to be tried by a jury of your peers.

DARREN
I don’t get it... why am I here?

VILLAIN
Same reason everyone else is.

And with that, our villain snaps his fingers. LIGHTS flicker on and we get a clear look at the filthy surroundings:

There are TWELVE OTHER PEOPLE, all TIED UP TO SIMILAR CHAIRS. Their mouths are bound and they struggle. Several of them are in tears.

VILLAIN
Meet your peers.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I always feel bad for those guys. I think it would totally suck to not know if you're getting work that day or whether or not you will earn what you should. It breaks me heart.

[scrippet]
EXT. HOME DEPOT - DAY

Standing outside on the little parking islands are several CONTRACT WORKERS or what we like to call “Illegals.”

A red pickup drives up to one of the largest groups of workers and parks.

JOHNSON, a full-fledged redneck, gets out of the truck and spits on the ground.

He approaches one of the smaller workers named BEAN.

JOHNSON
You want work?

BEAN
Si.

JOHNSON
You bail hay?

BEAN
Si.

The other workers give Johnson a shifty eye, they begin to whisper in furious Spanish.

JOHNSON
Come on then.

One of the older workers puts his hand on Bean’s arm to stop him from getting in the truck.

JOHNSON
What’s the problem?

The older worker pulls out a contract. This is no ordinary worker, it is CARLOS - lawyer for the contract worker.

CARLOS
(perfect English)
Sir we will need you to sign these work documents before anyone proceeds.

JOHNSON
What?

CARLOS
It’s so that you don’t exploit our brethren and offer them less than fair wages for their work.

JOHNSON
I don’t believe this!

CARLOS
It’s just a straightforward contract sir. All I need is a signature and a copy of your driver’s license.

An EL CAMINO pulls up, it has a full SCANNER/COPIER attached to the back with bungee chords.

Johnson tries to protest, but stops himself. He resigns and takes the pen from Carlos. He signs and pulls out his wallet.
[/scrippet]

Sixty Six

2009-09-28T11:24:00.001-07:00

Today's script is a bunch of protest sign jokes. And obscure television jokes. Special thanks to Andrew for helping me come up with signs for Firefly and Wonderfalls.

[scrippet]
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

A large protest is underway on the sidewalk, just off the lawn. The group is made up mostly of NERDY TEENS.

The signs that they’re holding are a bit out of the norm. Some of them read:

'Obama bring back Arrested Development'

'We want Veronica Mars!'

'Worked for Family Guy!'

Approaching the group are JOE and ZACK. They’re discussing.

JOE
I can’t believe it.

ZACK
I told you. Not sure what they expect to accomplish.

JOE
This is crazy. Look
(points)
Bryan Fuller has his own section.

There is a small clique of sign holders that read

'Resurrect Dead Like Me'

'Pushing Daisies doesn't have to be'

'Cow Creamer says bring back Wonderfalls'

They mull about calmly.

ZACK
I know. Check it though. Joss probably has the biggest following.

A large chunk of the group off to the left is indeed made of Whedonites holding signs:

'Angel isn't in Heaven'

'Firefly, not Fireflew'

JOE
This is weird. So weird. Wait... what’s that guy alone over there protesting.

ZACK
That show... uh... Drive.

JOE
What?

ZACK
Exactly.

CUT TO BLACK.
[/scrippet]

Just did an origin tale tonight.

[scrippet]
INT. COPY CENTER - DAY

A MAN is at a desk writing a large sign with a sharpie marker. Behind him stands a young man with a BEARD holding a large piece of cardboard.

The person at the marker table finishes up and leaves.

Beard steps up and writes 'OBAMA' in big black lettering.

A very pretty young woman with a SCARF interrupts him before he can continue.

SCARF
I hate to do this, but can I use that real quick?

BEARD
Sure thing, go ahead.

Beard lets Scarf take the sharpie and begin writing a sign.

On the street, Beard can see that his car is about to get a ticket. He runs after it.

BEARD
I’ll be right back.

The young lady with a scarf writes on a large white piece of paper 'RON, BRING BACK ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.'

She looks at her work and realizes that she wasn’t paying enough attention to where she was writing.

Looking around to see if the young man is back, she sets the marker back on the table and leaves.

Beard returns from getting a ticket. He is fairly upset. He grabs the cardboard sign without reading it and leaves.

EXT. CAMPUS - LATER

Beard is at a protest rally, he holds the cardboard sign under his arm.

As several people start to protest and yell, he gets out his sign and lifts it up for all to see.

It reads 'OBAMA BRING BACK ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT'
[/scrippet]

Sixty Five

2009-09-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Pretty literal interpretation, but this is what I see when I listen to it. I wanted it to be first person perspective because I felt like even though this was from a young girl's perspective there was a lot of him (Rufus Wainwright) in the song. It's very applicable to everyone, not just young schoolgirls.

[scrippet]

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

*** Note: the entire scene takes place in the FIRST PERSON PERSPECTIVE of a young GIRL. ***

Looking down at her desk, the girl’s hands come in to view and straighten out her school uniform. She looks up slowly to see the ART TEACHER.

He’s handsome, and young for a teacher; he sits on the edge of his desk talking. Instead of hearing what he’s saying, we’re treated to the girl’s thoughts.

GIRL (V.O.)
There I was in uniform. Looking at the art teacher. I was just a girl then; never have I loved since then.

The teacher makes eye contact briefly, and the girl turns away. Just as she turns, there is a

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. MUSEUM - DAY

The girl turns again, the same, though this time her view snaps to a sculpture. The teacher stands nearby talking.

GIRL (V.O.)
He was not that much older than I was. He had taken our class to the Metropolitan Museum. He asked us what our favorite work of art was, but never could I tell him it was him. Oh, I wish I could tell him -- oh, I wish I could have told him.

As the voice in her head goes on, her gaze moves from the statue to the teacher, very slowly.

CUT TO:

SLOW MOTION TRACKING SHOT

The girl is walking through the art, looking past it all at the teacher as he guides the class.

She walks parallel, keeping out of sight; art passes in the foreground, but her focus never changes.

GIRL (V.O.)
I looked at the Rubens and Rembrandts. I liked the John Singer Sargents. He told me he liked Turner, and never have I turned since then... No, never have I turned to any other man

Just as she utters the last line, the teacher makes a turn and goes out of view.

Other children pass by in uniform, following his lead as we

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This is something that I picked out of the comments section of the video. I love this song and thought that the origins was one of the best parts to it. I also have been spending a lot of time with my niece who is not quite two.

[scrippet]
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Several lines on the chalkboard and music stands indicate this is a place of musical learning.
A large black GRAND PIANO sits on the side of the class near the windows.

It is quiet and empty until PHIL enters carrying his three-year-old daughter MACEY. He sets her down and lets her run around the room.

Phil sits at the piano and tinkers around a bit. He must be an amazing player because even his little bits are impressive.

Macey starts to grab some chalk from the chalkboard.

PHIL
Uh-uh Macey.

Macey immediately stops and looks. Once she knows she’s not in trouble she runs to the next adventure of the room.

A young man of about twenty enters, this is FELIX. He carries several lined papers in his hand.

FELIX
Sorry if I’m late.

PHIL
No problem.

Phil moves to a chair behind the piano. Felix takes over at the piano.

FELIX
I’ve fixed a few things at the bridge, but the melody is really in need of some help.

PHIL
We’ll see what we can do.

Felix puts his papers up and gets ready. He begins to play.

The song is both haunting and beautiful. There is a sort of magic in the beats. Felix is completely wrapped up.

In one of the corners of the classroom, Macey has stopped playing with the trashcan and has now started paying attention to the music being played.

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM - LATER

Felix has been writing down notes while Phil plays the piano. Everything is scattered about. Macey lies asleep on a large piano covering.

PHIL
I think that’s all for now, how about we call it a day.

FELIX
Sounds good professor. Thank you so much for your help.

Phil walks with Felix out the door as they discuss important musical things.

Behind them Macey has sat down on the piano bench. She begins to play.

Felix and Phil both stop dead in their tracks.

MACEY PLAYS NOTE FOR NOTE FELIX’S SONG

Accept for a few notes that Macey has replaced, making the song better.

Both men just stare in total amazement as this little toddler performs a masterpiece.
[/scrippet]

Sixty Four

2009-09-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

Think Mad Max.

[scrippet]

EXT. ROUTE 66 - HIGH NOON

Out in a stretch of desert, the infamous route looks in bad repair. The sign has been altered to now read ROUTE 666.

A car is flipped over on the wayside, burning.

WOOSH! Two black blurs zip by.

They are DOS LOCOS, the infamous biker duo. The taller of the two is BURR. The other is SPIKE. They look incredibly tough and bad ass, so what comes next is a bit of a shock.

BURR
Reckon we should turn back. Running in to sketchy territory up here.

SPIKE
What?

BURR
Next stretch of road belongs to the King of the Road.

SPIKE
I thought that was a myth.

Burr shakes his head, and slows down the motorcycle. They are quickly approaching a blockade.

BURR
Think we have enough to pay the toll?

SPIKE
Maybe.

The blockade comes in to more clarity. It’s compromised of several old beat up POLICE CARS and a large 18 WHEELER pulled perpendicular.

BURR
The man give’s me the heebies.

SPIKE
Just play it cool.

They’re now close enough to get a better look. Perched on top of the semi is a THRONE made out of burnt and twisted car parts.

Sitting on the throne is no other than the KING himself. The king looks just like a skinny punk rocker, though a lot dirtier and with fewer teeth.

Armed men stand at the base.

BURR
(yelling)
We request the king’s presence.

The king only lets out a maniacal laugh and begins to skip down the pile of cars.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Don't know where this came from, but here you go!

[scrippet]

INT. MOTOR HOME - DAY

Sailing down the freeway in a gigantic bus-sized motorhome is the retired couple DUCKY and MARTHA.

Martha is in the kitchen looking for a glass to pour her vodka martini. She CLANKS and POUNDS her way through the tiny cabinets.

DUCKY
For heaven's sake Martha, what are you looking for?

MARTHA
I need a glass!

DUCKY
Just use one of those paper cups, gawl darnit!

MARTHA
Use a paper cup? For a martini, are you joking?

Martha resigns to just sipping it out of the drink mixer. She sits back down in the passenger chair.

DUCKY
See, this is fun. We're having a good time.

Martha just sips her drink.

DUCKY
Rowr!

Martha jumps, spilling a bit on herself.

DUCKY
I feel so good! Drivin'...

MARTHA
What is your problem?!?

DUCKY
What?

[/scrippet]

The Art Teacher by Rufus Wainwright

Sixty Three

2009-09-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

Pretty standard adaptation, but minor twist. Nothing unexpected if you've been reading my scripts so far.

[scrippet]
EXT. PARK - DAY
A couple of ENGINEERS sit on a park bench holding clipboards. They are VICKIE and CRAIG, and they are studying something in the distance.

NEAR THE POND A large, boxy, humanoid ROBOT is feeding the ducks.

VICKIE (O.S.)
Looks like the subject is adjusting smoothly.

CRAIG (O.S.)
Yes. Well, time will tell. The robot sets a few pieces of bread crumbs out near by and kneels by them.

VICKIE (O.S.)
Look. A small duck comes up and begins to munch on the crumbs. It’s close enough to touch. The robot reaches out to pet the duck-- Contact. The robot is now petting the duck.

VICKIE (O.S.)
Wow. He’s reaching out. Connecting with a living thing.

SNAP! The ROBOT grabs up the duck and makes a break for it. Mid gallop, it takes the duck and swallows it whole down its metal gullet.

VICKIE (O.S.)
Oh god.

CRAIG (O.S.)
It was too soon. Call security.

FADE TO BLACK.
[/scrippet]

As I wrote, the computer would get slower and slower. So that is how I felt when writing.

[scrippet]
EXT. POND - DAY

A life-sized ROBOT walks down the path. He carries a small brown bag. He comes to a stop at the pond and looks down into the crystal blue waters.

As his reflection stares back at him, what seems to be a tear forms around his eye. But this cannot be for he is a robot and has no emotions. And yet...

A cheery DUCK approaches the robot and QUACKS his hello.

ROBOT
(robot voice)
Oh hello young duckling. I am a robot as you know, but yet you are my only friend.

QUACK says the duck.

ROBOT
I will share with you these few morsels of bread that I was given from a co-worker. I have no use for them because I am a robot and have no need of nutrients. I have no need of physical touch as well, which makes me feel sad.

QUACK - the duck sings along with this sad song.

The robot spreads a thin layer of bread among the pond. The morsels are quickly snatched up in the duck's mouth.

ROBOT
In fact I...have little need for anything...but the things...

The robot is slowing. He freezes up and drops the bag.

The duck immediately flaps it's wings and bolts for the bag.

The robot seems frozen, his batteries dead possibly?

As the sun sets in a meloncholly slumber, the robot's tear falls to the water and creates a lonely puddle.

The duck contently continues to eat the bread morsels, not aware of the poor robot's fate.

FADE TO BLACK:
[/scrippet]

Our guest writer today is Steve
Steven was a good lad for most of his life. Never questioning authority, taking a good licking when he deserved it (like the time he rubbed the corn on his father's foot a bit too abrassively), and generally being a good member of society. This all changed the day that his idol - the one person in this world that never failed him - the one person who would love and respect him no matter what - the person Steve wished extra hard to be like -- died. The news of Bob Ross' passing did not find little Steven in a good place. He had already been feeling sour because he had forgotten to add extra butter to his mother's roll. This news, the news of his mentor and idol's death, sparked something in him that no one would soon forget. Abandoning all principle and reason, young Steven Aaron went out and purchased a lotto scratcher and gave it to someone who was not yet of gambling age. This was only the beginning of his fury. Knocking over plants (but not the ferns), Steve went on a rampage through the upper tri-city era that has yet to subside.

[scrippet]
INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY

DANIEL (11) sits near the front of the bus. He is wearing a shirt that reads 'Indian Hill Middle School.'

The bus stops and a number of kids exit before it continues its route.

Daniel removes his cell phone from his backpack and sees he has a new voicemail. He dials and struggles in the noise as he listens.

VOICE
Hey, Da- this -s Jas-n from Scouts ca-ing to l-t you kn- about the ro-bo-t compe-tion at Round L-ke Par- tonigh- at -x o' -ock. Dress appro-ria-ly. See you th-.

Daniel’s face lights up as the bus stops and he exits.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

A boombox on the dresser plays 'Atomic' by Blondie while Daniel rummages through his drawers. He pulls out a grey sweatsuit and throws it on the bed. He does his best mechnical dance as he goes to the bed and changes.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

Daniel, holding his scout book and still dancing, grabs two boxes and some duct tape.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Dressed as a crudely fashioned robot, Daniel dances his way toward the lake, scout book in hand.

JASON (O.S.)
Hey, Daniel!

Daniel tilts his head to see through the costume’s eyeholes.

He notices the other scouts at the edge of the lake in t-shirts and swimming trunks. He freezes in his tracks.

JASON (CONT’D)
That’s what you’re wearing for the rowboat competition?

FADE OUT:

EXTENDED ENDING

Daniel looks up to the sky, punches himself in the crotch, and then slips on a banana peel. Everyone laughs.

ALTERNATE ENDING

An iris effect closes in on Daniel and then PORKY PIG pops out and says 'Ebbadee, ebbadee, ebbadee, That’s all folks!'

UNRATED ENDING

Daniel looks up to the sky, punches himself in the crotch, and then slips on a banana peel. Everyone laughs. An iris effect closes in on Daniel and then PORKY PIG pops out and says 'Ebbadee, ebbadee, ebbadee, That’s all folks!'
[/scrippet]

Sixty Two

2009-09-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

When one become two

If there was a way

To make an exact replica

Of every atom in my body

And put those atoms

In the same position

Relative to every similar

Atom in my body,

Would we both shudder

And say "My goodness!"

In unison?

(by Jacob)

This was also inspired by Calvin and Hobbes.

[scrippet]

INT. BASEMENT - DAY

Tinkering with a cardboard box is CHAD (8). He lifts up the flaps making final inspections.

CHAD
(to himself)

Looks like everything is in order.

Chad takes the box and lifts it up over his head, engulfing his body. His voice comes out muffled through the cardboard.

CHAD
3, 2, 1. GO!

Just like that, Chad kicks off the box to the floor and goes running. He speeds around the room and

RIGHT IN TO THE WALL -- Face first.

The instant that he hits the wall, falls down. Weird thing is though, his body splits in to two and hits the ground. There are now TWO CHADS.

CHAD
AAAAAH!

CHAD 2
AAAAAAH?

Chad 2 gets up and runs away, confused. In his confusion, he runs in to the wall. When he does, he splits away in to Chad 2 and CHAD 3.

All three look at each other, and talk in unison:

THE CHADS
My Goodness.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Very interesting how things just kind of start happening once I sit down to write. I didn't even know where this was going to go or if it was even going to happen until I started writing it.

[scrippet]
INT. WHITE CHAMBER - DAY

Within an all-white closed off chamber sits a YOUNG MAN of about fifteen. He sits cross-legged and traces the ground with his finger.

A small OPENING at the far end of the chamber opens and two pairs of EYES, one with glasses, stare into the room at him.

EYES
How are we feeling today?

GLASSES
Any new developments?

The young man looks up at the eyes. He is a fairly attractive kid. A bit disheveled, but mostly trim and poised.

YOUNG MAN
What do you want to hear? Nothing’s happened since I got in this boring place.

The two pair of eyes look at each other and whisper.

They look back at him.

GLASSES
Nothing at all?

YOUNG MAN
Nothing.

ALL AT ONCE

A high pitched SCREAM begins to grow from within the room. The eyes look around in amazement and excitement. The young man looks around in utter fear.

Soon the entire chamber is filling with bright blinding light, it blinds to the point of washing out all other forms.

And with a POP -- the light and sound is gone.

The pair of eyes at the opening squint to adjust. They peer into the chamber - SHOCK fills their faces.

STANDING IN THE ROOM

Are TWO of this remarkable young man. To the tee.

Both counterparts look around confused and disturbed. The eyes laugh and cheer. They give each other high-fives.

The boys are quiet. They both sit down at the same time.

They begin to doodle on the ground once more.
[/scrippet]

Sixty One

2009-09-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

"The very fact that no real Elvish grammars written by Tolkien have been published makes it a fascinating challenge to 'break the code'. Or it may be pure romanticism, a special form of literary immersion: By studying the Eldarin languages, you try to get closer to - indeed into the heads of - the immortal Elves, fair and wise, the Firstborn of Eru Ilúvatar, teachers of mankind in its youth. Or, less romantically, you want to study the constructions of a talented linguist and the creative process of a genius engaged in his work of love. And many simply enjoy the Elvish languages as one might enjoy music, as elaborate and (according to the taste of many) gloriously successful experiments in euphony."

I like today's script, despite all of it's dorky humor. In fact, it's probably because of the dorky humor that I like it so. Also, the final line is indeed translated correctly, and I know this with 100% assurance, because I googled it. And the internet never lies.

[scrippet]

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

A couple of geeky college roommates lounge about. PATRICK is on the computer and HERBERT sits on the couch nearby eating cheesey poofs.

PATRICK
I think I’m going to start learning a new language.

HERBERT
You never finished learning your last language.

PATRICK
Klingon isn’t even a real language.

Herbert rolls his eyes at this.

HERBERT
So what are you learning now?

PATRICK
Elvish.

HERBERT
Like the singer?

PATRICK
No, like fairies.

HERBERT
That sounds gay.

PATRICK
No, it’s great. Totally romantic.

HERBERT
And gay.

PATRICK
It’s from Tolkien.

HERBERT
Gay.

PATRICK
The languages were the first thing Tolkien created for his mythos. The phonology, vocabulary, and grammar were strongly influenced by Finnish and Welsh.

HERBERT
Are you on Wikipedia?

PATRICK
Yeah.

HERBERT
Gay.

PATRICK
Auta miqula orqu.
(subtitled)
Go kiss an orc.

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

The ending is because I felt my script was far too feathery for my tastes.

[scrippet]
EXT. STREET - DAY

RITA and DANIEL walk down a busy shopping district street, bags in hand, iced mochas sipped slowly.

RITA
So let me get this straight...you are trying to adapt a novel that was originally written in English, then translated into Norwegian, and then translated again into Elvish?

DANIEL
Something like that, ya.

RITA
Elvish. The fictional language written by Tolkien?

DANIEL
The same.

RITA
You know the original source material would probably work just as well. I mean, it was written before Tolkien even thought about writing.

DANIEL
I don’t think you understand the full scope of this. What I’m doing is bringing a priceless treasure of Elvish literature into life by adapting it into a full-length feature film which has by far a wider audience.

RITA
But that’s ridiculous.

DANIEL
The Elvish version has sold over two million copies.

RITA
Who can I call to make this happen?

DANIEL
You purchased your ticket too late for this train sassy-pants. That’ll teach you to knock other people’s passions.

RITA
Whatever...it’s still a stupid idea. Let’s get Pinkberry.

CUT TO:

EXT. FREEWAY - SAME TIME

A car EXPLODES as several cop cars come to a screeching halt. Fire and metal go screaming across the four-lane blacktop.
[/scrippet]

When one become two

If there was a way

To make an exact replica

Of every atom in my body

And put those atoms

In the same position

Relative to every similar

Atom in my body,

Would we both shudder

And say "My goodness!"

In unison?

(by Jacob)

Sixty

2009-09-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Wish I could have come up with more of a punchline for this. Suggestions?

[scrippet]

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Laying in bed, is MAXWELL and CASEY.

Maxwell lurches forward, awaking in a cold sweat. Casey comes to, groggily comforting Maxwell.

CASEY
Maxy? You ok?

MAXWELL
Nothing. I... uh... it was just a dream. It had to have been.

CASEY
What was it?

MAXWELL
It was just silly. We were in Mario’s world.

CASEY
What? Mario’s world?

MAXWELL
Yeah. World 1-2 specifically.

Casey’s concern cracks in to a smile.

CASEY
That sounds fun, not scary.

MAXWELL
No way. It was like directed by David Lynch with production design by Cronenberg. Giant turtles marching back and forth. Angry mushrooms. Man eating flowers. Think about the real world repercussions.

She tries to be understanding, but is far too amused by the whole situation. Maxwell pulls away, frustrated.

MAXWELL
(upset)
I’m going to the bathroom.

He huffs off down the hall and in to

THE BATHROOM

Inside is a LARGE FIRE BREATHING CARNIVOROUS PLANT, just like in Mario. It indeed looks like a Cronenberg creation, teeth coming out in odd angles, drooling slightly.

Maxwell lets out a girly girl scream: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

CUT TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I was going to write just one little thing and ended up writing a whole page. Go figure.

[scrippet]
EXT. FIELD - DAY

Out of the forest and into an unusually bright field steps a MUSTACHIOED MAN in a red pair of overalls and cap.

MAN
(nervous)
Oh boy!

He starts to run down the path at full speed.

A large block of BRICKS levitates suspended several feet in the air. The man JUMPS up toward the bricks.

HE SMASHES HIS HEAD

Nothing happens to the bricks, they stay suspended.

MAN
Son of a...

He rubs his sore head --

MAN
Oooh.

Getting up slowly, the man looks up to the blocks in anger.

Shrugging it off, he begins to run down the path once more.

MAN
Here we go!

He comes to a very large and brightly green pipe sticking up in the air.

With a gigantic LEAP, the man descends upon the pipe.

HE GETS STUCK

There’s no way he can fit. His groin takes the brunt of the impact.

MAN
Ow.

A little slower this time, but he shakes it off and continues down the path. He reaches a particularly overgrown area of the field.

A GIGANTIC FLOWER stands stoically at the head of the path.

The man approaches the flower with caution.

The flower --

OPENS IT’S GIGANTIC SNARLING MOUTH

It is the nastiest flower you’ve ever seen.

MAN
Forget it.

The man gives up and turns around.

He heads off back to the forest.
[/scrippet]

"The very fact that no real Elvish grammars written by Tolkien have been published makes it a fascinating challenge to 'break the code'. Or it may be pure romanticism, a special form of literary immersion: By studying the Eldarin languages, you try to get closer to - indeed into the heads of - the immortal Elves, fair and wise, the Firstborn of Eru Ilúvatar, teachers of mankind in its youth. Or, less romantically, you want to study the constructions of a talented linguist and the creative process of a genius engaged in his work of love. And many simply enjoy the Elvish languages as one might enjoy music, as elaborate and (according to the taste of many) gloriously successful experiments in euphony."

Fifty Nine

2009-09-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

When I listened I pictured a stylized action scene taking place in a warehouse. Decided to show the lead in to that fight instead of the fight itself.

[scrippet]

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

The large room is abandoned, with only two guards standing about: GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO. Not much reason to differentiate the two for reasons you’ll soon see.

Radio chatter comes over one of their headsets.

RADIO (O.S.)
He’s been sighted approaching the west wall. He seems to be armed and--

BANG! The radio is cut off by gunshots. Static echoes through, until the guard shuts it off.

The two arm themselves and look at the door in front of them.

Silence washes over for a few seconds as the two look at each other nervously.

BANG! Another gunshot rings out, exploding the doors handle. Rays of light pour through the stilted air of the warehouse.

The two guards train their rifles at the door, waiting for something to happen.

WHAM! The door is kicked open and COMPLETELY OFF OF ITS HINGES!

THE DOOR

goes flying across the room and knocks out both of the guards in one fell swoop.

IN THE DOORWAY

Stands our HERO, silhouetted. He takes a step in to the light and pulls out a cigarette. He lights it calmly and smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This was inspired by a script I read today which was b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t. Also the music lends itself to more gritty material.

[scrippet]
INT. BAR - NIGHT

Through the low lights and drunken mess, a LONE DRIFTER walks silently. He is not distracted by the conversations and hap-hazard dancing that is going on around him.

A fast-beat and bass-thumping TRACK plays loudly throughout.

The drifter is wearing a long black leather jacket that is partly concealing a large BERETA 92 handgun.

As he walks, a few faces notice...

Namely a small and wiley DRUNK who is playing drinking games with 21-year-olds and besting them.

Also, a very fat and very nerdy man with GLASSES. He is sitting with one other nerd, they are not hitting on women.

Finally -- A tall and sexy VIXEN who is taking her last drink from her last unsuspecting gentleman caller of the night. She downs the shot and wipes her mouth with her sleeve. The caller is disappointed as she leaves him to join the drifter.

Soon the Drunk and Glasses flank this unknown Drifter on each side. The Vixen joins him as well and takes her place with her hand on his shoulder.

They reach an unmarked door that rests between the door that says 'Bugger Off' and the door that says 'Pissa'.

They come to a full stop and wait a moment, facing the door.

The drifter looks to his right. Looks to his left. Lifts his foot and --

KICKS THE DOOR IN

All four reach for their accompanying weapon. The drifter slowly raises his Bereta.

Cocks it.
[/scrippet]

Fifty Eight

2009-09-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

"What if when you took an animal to the vet, the vet was the same species as the animal you were taking?"
"A cat taking another cat's blood pressure."

I think today breaks the cold streak I was having. I actually like today's, despite how preposterous it is.

[scrippet]

INT. VETERINARY WAITING ROOM - DAY

Sitting in the waiting room alone is a man, JED (34) and his hound dog, RED (21 in dog years).

NURSE (O.S.)
Jed? Doctor Max is ready to see you.

Jed gives a polite smile and walks to the back.

INT. VETERINARY EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

Jed and Red walk in to find DOCTOR MAX, a smiling border collie in scrubs. This isn’t some anthropomorphic representation, just a talking dog.

JED
Doctor Max?

DOCTOR MAX
Please, call me Buddy. Or if you want, good doggy works too.

The doctor laughs at his own joke, tail wagging.

JED
(stumbles for words)
Oh, I just didn’t expect you to be an actual dog.

DOCTOR MAX
You’re fine. Mind if I begin?

JED
Uh, no go ahead.

Doctor Max begins by walking around Red and sniffing his rear end.

JED
Is that really help--

DOCTOR MAX
If you don’t mind. I just need to inspect.

He lingers for a while, perhaps enjoying himself too much, before proceeding back in front of Red.

DOCTOR MAX
Turn your head and bark.

BARK! Red barks.

DOCTOR MAX
(chuckles)
Funny. You’re dog has a good sense of humor.

JED
What did he say?

DOCTOR MAX
(stifles his laughter)
I’m sorry, doctor patient confidentiality.

Red barks again: RUFF!

DOCTOR MAX
You’re welcome.

Jed is speechless.

DOCTOR MAX
He’s fine. My only suggestion would be to go on more walks.

A whine comes from Red.

DOCTOR MAX
Ah, right. And buy a new tennis ball. That old one is falling apart. That’s more advice than doctors orders though.

JED
Right. Well, uh thank you. What do I owe you?

DOCTOR MAX
(looks down shamefully)
Uh, well. This is kind of embarrassing to ask, but I have this itch, right behind my ears, and well--

Before Max can finish, Jed is on it, scratching away. The doctors back left leg kicks uncontrollably.

DOCTOR MAX
Ooooooh yeah. That’s the spot. Good, good, good! Perfect.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This is dedicated to my wife's cat. Hope he can make it a little while longer for her sake.

[scrippet]
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY

On a tall examination bench sits LITTLEFOOT, a shabby tabby cat. He sits uncomfortably as he stares at a cat digestive chart that hangs on the wall.

Another cat, DR. ROCKY who is wearing a very dashing labcoat and stethoscope, enters the room and shuts the door.

DR. ROCKY
How are we doing?

LITTLEFOOT
Well, to be honest, not so good doc.

DR. ROCKY
What seems to be the trouble?

LITTLEFOOT
Been feeling really sick and tired lately. I’ve had a few...you know...accidents here and there.

DR. ROCKY
Oh, that’s no good. Let’s see what we can do.

The Doctor takes out a heart-rate monitor and wraps it around Littlefoot’s chest. He pumps it up.

DR. ROCKY (CONT’D)
How many times do you eat a day?

LITTLEFOOT
About twice.

DR. ROCKY
Milk?

LITTLEFOOT
Sometimes once, it’s more of a social thing for me.

DR. ROCKY
How about mice? You do any chasing? Birds perhaps?

LITTLEFOOT
I’m mostly a fancy-feast and tuna kind of guy, but occasionally...maybe once a month?

Dr. Rocky takes off the monitor and takes out a chart.

DR. ROCKY
I’m going to recommend a treatment that may involve a more active lifestyle. How much sunbathing, lounging and getting petted do you do a day.

LITTLEFOOT
Wow doc, I guess quite a bit. You think that’s why I’ve been so tired?

DR. ROCKY
Very possible. Let’s also give you a low dose of a prescription that is for helping with energy. Can you come back to see me in a few weeks?

LITTLEFOOT
Sure, no problem.

DR. ROCKY
Alright, sounds great.

Dr. Rocky finishes writing on the chart and starts to leave.

DR. ROCKY (CONT’D)
Have a good day, hope you start feeling better.

The doctor leaves.

LITTLEFOOT
That’s it?!?
[/scrippet]

Fifty Seven

2009-09-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Tim

I love that video, so thank you Tim. Definitely didn't do the source material justice.

[scrippet]

INT. PRISON CELL - DAY

Sitting alone on his prison bunk is KEVIN. He stares blankly at the ceiling.

KEVIN (V.O.)
Don't think too much. That's the key right? Don't think too much. Oh god, I'm thinking too much. Ok, stop thinking now.

Kevin stares even more intently.

Silence.

KEVIN (V.O.)
There.

Kevin realizes his mistake.

KEVIN (V.O.)
Oh, crap. I keep this up and my brain's going to overfill.

Kevin's thoughts are interrupted by --

RAP! The guard knocks on the cell bars with a night stick. The guard is pushing a cart of books.

GUARD
Oy! You want a book?

KEVIN (V.O.)
No. That'd be horrible.

The guard looks impatient.

KEVIN (V.O.)
Wait. Play it off cool.

Taking a deep breath, Kevin collects himself and preps himself.

KEVIN
No.

The guard begins to leave.

KEVIN (V.O.)
Wait. They'll get suspicious. You don't even have to read it just pretend.

KEVIN
On second thought, yes.

CUT TO:

INT. PRISON CELL - LATER

Holding the book up high, Kevin is feigning reading.

KEVIN (V.O.)
They'll never suspect.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

I wrote down everything he said word for word and tried my best to emulate his vernacular. I still feel like I don't quite capture the beauty of his speech and wish I could spend more time on it.

[scrippet]
INT. DINER - DAY
Sitting alone in a booth with a half-drained cup of coffee is an early thirties JOE -- total deuche-nozzle.

Pompadour haircut, goatee, sideburns, white t-shirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled in the sleeve.

He stirs more sugar into his coffee as a young CHARLIE approaches. Charlie has a bit of an early rodeo star vibe.

Joe watches the young man sit down at his booth. He tries to act casual.

CHARLIE
I found a few pieces at my cousin’s house, but we’ll probably need a few more.
(grabs a menu)
We’ll need more ammunition too.

JOE
Shhhhh! Shut your pie-hole dude. You want for to be givin’ us away or somethin’?

Charlie shuts up immediately, he is after all a rookie at robbin’ banks.

JOE (CONT’D)
See the thing with me is that I’ve done this type of thing before you know? I, am smart. I’m self smarted, basically myself.

Charlie just listens, not sure if he’s allowed to speak.

JOE (CONT’D)
You can’t get learnin’ from books and schoolin’ and things. Those things are for to be getting you dead. You don’t talk about this stuff to no one.

Charlie shifts uncomfortably. Joe puts more sugar in his coffee.

CHARLIE
What about Lucy? She know about this?

JOE
Are you kiddin’? Lucy’ll kill me if she knowed what we was up to.You Don’t tell her a thing, got it?

Charlie nods his head.
[/scrippet]

"What if when you took an animal to the vet, the vet was the same species as the animal you were taking?"
"A cat taking another cat's blood pressure."

Fifty Six

2009-09-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

I give that man the benefit of the doubt. There's got to be a reason he's outfitted like that.

[scrippet]

EXT. CANYON PASS - DAY

Standing out on a large granite slab is NEVILLE. He’s dressed in boxers, a tee, a bathrobe, and a motorcycle helmet.

He’s also wielding an electric hedge trimmer and has a thermos attached to his waist with thick nylon rope.

NEVILLE
Bring it on!

ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL

Neville is not just crazy, but instead is SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES. They stumble about, unable to climb up to him.

There’s no way out, as there is a sea of the walking dead surrounding him.

Neville’s eager attitude, fades in to defeat. He sits cross legged and opens his thermos.

Taking a sip, he lets out a sigh.

NEVILLE
Looks like I’ll have to wait ‘em out.

He leans back, and rests his eyes.

CUT TO:

EXT. CANYON PASS - NIGHT

Neville’s surroundings are pitch black. He fumbles around and grabs out a flashlight. The light reveals:

ZOMBIES. Yup, still there.

NEVILLE
Damn.

He rolls over and shuts his eyes again.

CUT TO:

EXT. CANYON PASS - DAY

Zombies still surround the sleeping Neville. He gets up and stretches.

NEVILLE
Well. This is what it comes down to, I s’pose.

Neville takes a running start and jumps off the rock in to the crowd.

Instead of falling amongst them, his foot firmly lands on a shoulder. He takes another step on to a head.

He’s able to jump across the zombies, step by step, finally making it to the other side.

NEVILLE
Bingo. Let’s hope Vegas isn’t as bad.

Neville begins his trek out.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This was also inspired by a joke told by Chuck Lorre.

[scrippet]
EXT. FOREST - DAY

Through the tall brush sulks JOHNNY BEAN - hunter.

He wears a blue and black checkered coat, army pants and a pair of tall black industrial boots. His head and ears are protected by a bright red cap.

He carries with him a double-barrel 12-gauge shotgun.

Pulling the butt of the gun to his shoulder, he trains the barrel towards what looks to be a large animal.

JOHNNY BEAN
Is that you Mr. Bear? I’ve got yoooooo...

As he is about to pull the trigger --

A GIANT PAW touches down on his shoulder.

He turns around slowly.

Staring him face to face is a big ass BROWN BEAR.

The bear RIPS the gun out of his hand and knocks him over.

EXT. FOREST - LATER

Johnny wakes up in a daze.

He looks around to find that he has not only been stripped of his gun, but also his pants.

JOHNNY BEAN
Hatchin’ scratcher, mother loving...

His profanities trail into the wind.

A lightbulb goes off in his head and Johnny takes off.

EXT. FOREST - LATER

Returning to the spot, Johnny now holds a large CHAINSAW tied to his hand. He has not bothered to put new pants on.

JOHNNY BEAN
Come and get me you sorry sack of furry potatoes! Ah-hahahaha!

He revs the chainsaw over and over. The noise is unbearable (if anyone was around to hear it).

Sure enough, the same PAW touches down lightly on Johnny’s shoulder.

The same Bear is standing behind him.

The bear rips the chainsaw from Johnny’s grasp, ripping the rope like blades of grass. The bear KNOCKS him out again.

EXT. FOREST - LATER
Johnny wakes up.

He is now only wearing; boots, boxers, and his red hat.
[/scrippet]

Our guest writer today is Tim.
For whatever reason, Tim Hade and his invisible friend Zvebo were convinced in a double dare to cross over the 49th parallel during the great war of 1988. Unfortunate as this event was, it afforded Tim the opportunities to go to a local trade school that he discovered in-between reruns of the Montel Williams show. Why Tim decided to major in sewing, only he and his mother know, but we do know that it has afforded him great opportunities to work for both the United States Government as well as the government of Azerbaijan. After a few years of working diligently but not getting full coverage on his dental plan, Tim decided to transition into acting. In-between his lust for imported green tea leaves from the exploited children workers of London and his immense hunger for literature from the Byzantine Empire, Tim has found time to play X-Box with his wife and two cats. I hear they have not yet beaten Fallout 3.

[scrippet]
INT. FRONT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A MAN is sunken in a stain-ridden couch, a cigar in his mouth and a cup of steaming coffee in his hand. The television is on but inaudible.

There's a loud BANG BANG BANG at the front door. The man immediately sits up.

MAN
No...

He tosses the cup as he bounces out of the couch. The cup shatters against the wall as he darts out of the room.

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

The man throws open the door. He runs over to a table and ties a rope around his bathrobe and boxers. He dashes over to a chest and opens it. He takes out a red chainsaw.

BANG BANG BANG!

The man pauses, like a dog hearing something in the distance. He sucks the cigar bright red. He rips the chord and the chainsaw roars.

INT. FRONT ENTRY - NIGHT

The BANGING continues from behind the front door. The chainsaw becomes louder as the man rushes to the door. He yanks the door open.

KIDS IN COSTUMES
Trick or...

THE MAN
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The man thrusts the chainsaw through the screen door netting as he continues to scream at the top of his lungs.

The trick-or-treaters run away in absolute terror.

The man pauses and looks at the kids running. He lowers the chainsaw to his side and takes a big drag off his cigar.

THE MAN (CONT'D)
The candy's in the mailbox!

He smiles and goes back inside, kicking the door closed behind him.

CUT TO BLACK.
[/scrippet]

Submitted by Tim

Fifty Five

2009-09-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

Spencer's thoughts - blah blah blah

[scrippet]

INT. TOP SECRET LABORATORY - NIGHT

A couple of SCIENTISTS stand in front of a large GLASS ROOM.

INSIDE THE GLASS ROOM

Are three tiny BABY KANGAROOS, and a large TESLA COIL.

One of the scientist throws the switch.

ELECTRICITY pours out, breathing life in to the baby kangaroos.

They grow in to enormous heights, to the point that they have to hunch under the ceiling.

SCIENTIST
It’s working.

The electricity stops. The tallest KANGAROO opens his mouth, and surprisingly enough words come out:

KANGAROO
Howdy boyth.

SCIENTIST
A lisp?

KANGAROO
Leth all go to tha mall!

SCIENTIST
The mall?

KANGAROO
Ooh. And clubbing later. I’m dying to lithen to some houthe music.

SCIENTIST
Oh great. They’re gay. Big gay kangaroos. President Bush won’t be happy.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

This has been my day. Exactly like this.

[scrippet]

INT. OFFICE - DAY

It is a particularly dismal day. No sun is shining through the many vast windows that span the entire office. This makes the dull grey of cubicles look especially uninviting.

Standing near the water cooler are two ENORMOUS KANGAROOS. One of them, the male named PETER is wearing a blue and grey striped tie. The other, a female named BETSY is wearing a nice pink scarf in a bow.

Both kangaroos look frazzled. They sip their morning coffee and watch the clock.

PETER

I can't believe he would show up late...today of all days!

BETSY
Probably just running into traffic. If I didn't leave when I did I would have been caught in the canyon.

PETER
He doesn't take the canyon, he comes up I-34.

BETSY
Calm down, you're freaking out for nothing.

Peter takes a sip of his more-dairy-than-coffee drink.

Another kangaroo - dressed in a solid blue tie, comes running in with a briefcase. This is the ever-late JARED.

PETER
Finally!

JARED
I had an issue this morning.

BETSY
You get caught in traffic?

JARED
No, Samantha needed help with the kids. I ended up changing 43 diapers before I could leave. Then I had to change my tie because I got peed on. And to top it off, someone was parked in my spot so I had to go to the bottom of the garage to find a spot.

PETER
Ya ya, that sucks. Come on dude, you know how important this meeting is.

BETSY
Chill out, we're going to be fine. We have like five more minutes.

JARED
Good, I'm going to go grab some coffee.

Jared leaves for the breakroom. He clanks around looking for a coffee mug.

BETSY
You get the reports printed for the meeting?

PETER
All taken care of.

JARED (O.S.)
Son of a... Who drank the last of the coffee and didn't brew more!?!

PETER
Gotta go.

Peter makes a hasty exit towards the conference room.

[/scrippet]

Fifty Four

2009-09-16T20:59:00.001-07:00

WORST THING TODAY: Feeling sick after eating too many lollies

Today's script is based on actual events. All names have been changed to protect me and my friends.

[scrippet]

EXT. STATE FAIR - EVENING

The lights and sounds of a carnival fill the air.

Towering in the midst of it all is THE ZIPPER. It is a spinning whirling crazy mess.

Standing front of it are SHELDON and DEREK, best friends.

SHELDON
You sure you want to do this?

DEREK
Yup. You in?

SHELDON
No way. I ate way too much. Didn’t you?

DEREK
Yeah. Bar-B-Q chicken, sausage on a stick, sausage on a bun, fried twinkie, fried snickers, and fried cheesecake. Oh, and alligator. Also on a stick.

SHELDON
Nice. How was the alligator?

DEREK
Kind of like crocodile. Now if you’ll excuse me.

Stepping through the gate, Derek boards the ride.

SHELDON
Good luck.

CLACK! Derek is locked in to his chair.

WOOSH. The ride takes off, spinning and flipping.

DEREK
(yelling)
This is awesome!

A few more loops go by.

DEREK
(yelling)
Not so awesome any more. Let’s pull this bad boy over.

The OPERATOR ignores his request and instead speeds up the ride.

DEREK
(yelling)
I’m pretty sure I’m going to throw up.

INSIDE THE CAGE

Derek begins to THROW UP rapidly.

DEREK
Oh yeah. Definitely throwing up.

He wipes his face, and flips around again.

DEREK
Pretty sure that’s all.

Even MORE THROW UP comes shooting out.

BACK IN LINE

Sheldon is watching as vomit spews in a giant radial pattern, splashing through the grate of Derek's cage.

SHELDON
There goes the alligator.

FADE TO BLACK.

[/scrippet]

Short, but sweet. Get it!?

[scrippet]
INT. CANDY SHOP - DAY

Several thousands of LOLLIPOPS are scattered throughout the floor. A large GLASS BOWL the size of a VW Bug has been shattered and scattered throughout the mess.

A few PATRONS and CLERKS stare at a young girl sitting in the midst of the sugary debris. Her name is VIOLET and she has most certainly tipped over the glass jar.

VIOLET
I had too many lollies.

CLERK
What were you doing in there?!

VIOLET
I sawwee...

As the eyes stare, Violet begins to wretch. Her eyes roll into the back of her head and she gags on her own spit.

Sure enough --

VIOLET VOMITS

She tries to catch it with her hands but ends up spreading it all over her feet and legs. It looks to be pure lollipop regurgitation mixed with bile - a turqouise and maroon color.

Everyone gags and turns away. Some cough. Some run out of the shop.
[/scrippet]